A Look Into Our Life

Why I Haven't Updated in almost 2 months

2011-10-02T18:19:00.000-07:00

I have two kids now. TWO. It still blows my mind. Let's see... what's been going on in the past almost 8 weeks. Claire is growing and thriving, and we are slowly starting to get in to somewhat of a routine. She is exclusively breastfed and it's actually working this time (maybe a little too well, but more on that later). We have a good nighttime routine and typically R and I are downstairs with everyone bathed and both kids in bed by 8:30, which is pretty good. Claire sleeps about 6 hours or so and is up around 2 or 3, then again at 5 or 6 - at that point I just bring her to bed with us to nurse, doze and snuggle.

She is definitely different than Owen. She doesn't have colic like he did, where he would cry for 4 or 5 hours every night at the same time. But she has days where she will cry all day. Some days she won't nap once for an entire day and scream because she is exhausted. Some days she will sleep all day and only wake up to eat. And some days she is a "normal" newborn who eats, sleeps, poops and is happy. The one thing she loves is me and my boobs. She is starting to warm up to other people and R, but prefers me. She eats on demand, and the chunker is already over 11 pounds. She hates a pacifier and bottle, so needless to say - she is pretty attached to me.

Owen is awesome with her about 90% of the time. There are some random moments of jealousy or where he is too excited or just in a mood where is a little too rough. For the most part, he LOVES her. He gives her kisses, pets her, tells her its ok when she cries, gets her blanket or tries to share his toys and food with her, and it is the cutest thing to hear him yell "Hi Mama, Hi Claire" when he sees us. The way he says her name is adorable, it melts my heart. We have had some issues with O's behavior lately. A mixture of jealousy, uncertainty and the terrible (awful,horrible, nasty) twos. His favorite word is NO or mine, he wants what he wants when he wants it or watch out. He hits, kicks, and a new thing is spit. We are working on it, but disciplining a toddler is hard because he either doesn't understand what we say, or freaks out, and we don't want to hit.

It's definitely been a big adjustment in some ways, like finding time for Owen and I or getting anything done around the house. Juggling a newborn and a toddlers needs can be demanding, and I constantly have to watch Owen around her because he doesn't get that he can't pick her up or roll over her. I can't even believe how much I love her and how I love seeing our little family. There is a lot that we still need to figure out to get ourselves settled, but we are getting there slowly but surely.

She's Here!

2011-08-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

Claire Jean was born at 9:46 pm on 8/9/2011, weighing 8 pounds 5 ounces (same as her big brother!) and 21 inches long. We are home and getting settled, but O loves his new little sister.

An Angry Rant

2011-08-05T13:04:00.001-07:00

Owen is in speech therapy - or I should say was in speech therapy. He has an expressive language delay, which basically means that he can't speak well or say the things he wants to, which is extremely frustrating for him and for us. He can understand everything we say, follow instructions, listen to stories and understand everything around him. He just can't get the words out to express himself.

He was a late babbler and late with first words. We knew with NF that there was a possibility of learning delays and other developmental issues, and I thank God every day that all we really have to deal with is speech. Because of his NF his pediatrician was very proactive in putting him in therapy early, which we did. And then discovered that Aetna doesn't cover speech therapy unless it is a loss of speech due to injury, which obviously he doesn't have. So we quit private therapy and went through the state of NC. It was fabulous, it was easy, he automatically qualified for services because of his NF, and within 2 weeks of speaking to a case worker O started therapy at daycare once a week - free of charge.

We love his therapist, she is so great with him. And with us. She always sent home notes, ideas, tips, things to do to work with him. Owen began to make more sounds, try harder to talk and to imitate. Granted, he still didn't say much that made sense, but was making the effort to communicate with us a lot more. We had therapy for about 6 months and then our case worker called saying the state was doing a budget review and finances were being changed, so we might have to come out of pocket for some cost of therapy. They needed our 2010 1040 and insurance card and would work up the numbers. No big deal.

On July 1st, the CDSA changed how they ran the program and the way that services were charged. Since our insurance covers $0 of therapy, we were now responsible for a certain percentage of the cost of each session. To the tune of 80%, or a little more than $80 a week. We argued that our 2010 1040 was not accurate for our situation now since I no longer work and we are missing almost half our income, we argued that he has a genetic condition that puts him in the program, we argued back and forth with the people in charge for weeks about how he needs the services and we can't do $350 extra a month with me not working and quite out of the blue. What we were assured was a minimal change to services now means that Owen does not get therapy at all. We had to stop completely and it PISSES ME OFF to no end.

My child needs to receive services. Why is nothing covered by health insurance (that we pay a good chunk of money for)? Why did the state make cuts to programs that are so desperately needed by many children? Because of all of this, I get to feel like a crappy mother who can't provide the help that her child needs. Will Owen never talk? No, of course not. He is already talking more and making a lot of progress. And thanks to his awesome therapist, I have the tools to work with him. But still, there is something to be said for a state that cuts money and corners where it is most needed.

35 weeks, aka HOLY CRAP

2011-07-14T13:09:00.001-07:00

I haven't posted in forever, and that is in part due to being home full time with Owen and having zero time, partly due to us traveling, and party due to me not having a ton to say. Somehow though, 9 weeks have zipped by and seeing as I have 33 days left to my due date that makes me very afraid.

How far along? 35w2d

Total weight gain/loss: Up 22 pounds
Maternity clothes? Yes
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: AWFUL. I have insomnia, heartburn, sciatica, pee 10 times a night and basically am miserable
Best moment this week: O loves to hug the belly and give kisses
Movement: YES
Food cravings: None, really
Gender: Girl
Labor Signs: Braxton hicks and some real contractions
Belly Button in or out? In, barely
What I miss: Sleep, wine, sanity
What I am looking forward to: Having this baby
Milestones: Almost a month left to go

Here is the belly as of today. I feel huge and somehow she is simultaneously in my ribs and on my bladder constantly.

Will update with some nursery photos soon, we are almost done!

Differences this go round

2011-06-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

There is some definite change and difference between this pregnancy and the one I had with Owen. This time I kind of know what to expect, and what feels "normal". I am not as anxious or jumpy over everything. I don't call my OB for every twinge or problem, but wait it out if it's minor or I can handle it. I don't have a linea negra this time - or at least not yet. I haven't started leaking milk yet, which started at 24w with Owen. I also am not swollen and my BP is great. I feel sick most days this time, where I felt great with Owen the entire pregnancy.

The biggest difference this time is my emotions. I am so not ready for this baby girl to get here. I have less than 11 weeks to go and I know it will fly by, as most of this pregnancy has. I couldn't wait to hold O, see what he would look like, give birth and get on with it, and now I want her to stay in for as long as she can so I can have time. We have nothing done, the nursery is a mess, I have not bought her any clothes other than a couple little onesies, we have no name and feel unprepared. But totally prepared at the same time because we know what to do with a newborn this time. We know how to change diapers, we are armed with ten different ways to soothe her if she gets reflux and colic. I know that every little whimper doesn't mean I have to drop everything and be by her side constantly.

My anxiety level is different this time, and I am more anxious for Owen and how he will adjust and deal with having a baby in the house than I am about having this baby. I worry about our little family changing, and sometimes wonder what we were thinking having another one when life is so good for us as a family of three. But I know she will make us change for the better and fill out our family. It is very different being pregnant this time, and I can't wait to see how different life will be as a family of 4.

26w4d

2011-05-15T14:53:00.000-07:00

How far along? 26w4d

Total weight gain/loss: Up 10 pounds
Maternity clothes? Yes
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: The number of night pees is slowing increasing from 1 or 2 to 3+, so not that great
Best moment this week: An easy, speedy, routine OB appointment with no issues
Movement: YES
Food cravings: Mexican and lemonade.
Gender: Girl
Labor Signs: Some BH contrax
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: My energy
What I am looking forward to: Getting the nursery situated. Painting was finished as of 2 hours ago!
Milestones: Almost to 3rd tri!

I compared back to Owen at this time and I am smaller and have gained about 5 pounds less. Nursery renovation is under way, and pics will be put up soon as we make some process. Right now it's painted but still full of guest bedroom junk.

Here is the belly at 26w4d

The Great Name Debate

2011-05-09T16:56:00.001-07:00

When I was pregnant with Owen, we had a couple names we liked and when we knew for sure it was a boy we sat down that night and figured out his name. Owen George. It was perfect (and still is, I love it and would never change it) short and easy with our long last name, and George is my father and grandfather's names. If it was a girl, she would have been Caroline Ruth. Now, I know what you are thinking. Why not name this one Caroline Ruth? Because Caroline is super popular right now and I know at least 3 people within the past 6 months to name their daughter that. Back to the drawing board.

We discussed names a bit before we knew it was a girl, and got too frustrated, so we decided to wait until we knew the sex to decide. When they said it was a girl, we knew we had a lot to discuss, and discuss we have. We have some criteria to our names. Short or can be shortened to a cute nickname, easy to pronounce, easy to spell and not many variations, cannot start with the letter F and we didn't like anything that ended in the -ee sound. Should narrow it down, right? Wrong. We went through a huge name book and couldn't agree on anything. We found a couple we liked but they were too high on the social security list. It's not been fun at all.

I think we have it narrowed down to a few. Vera, Amelia, Hannah, or Olivia. I am 99% sure that we will not go with Olivia because it is WAY too popular, but we both really like it. The middle name will either be Jean, Ruth or Frances. I guess we will just take the names to the hospital, along with any other we pick up on the way, and name her when we see her. It's so weird to do that, though. I feel like I can't really bond with her because I don't know what to call her, which is dumb.

I will update soon with another belly pic and update, I have my routine OB appointment tomorrow morning. Also, we are getting started on the nursery and O's big boy room - yay!

Also, did you see I am at 99 days left? Where is time going?

22 Weeks (and some change)

2011-04-15T06:27:00.001-07:00

How far along? 22w4d

Total weight gain/loss: Up 7 pounds
Maternity clothes? It depends on the weather. Pants yes, everything else is pretty much no
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: This week sucked because of being sick, but it hasn't been bad
Best moment this week: Feeling kicks when sick, reassurance she's ok
Movement: YES
Food cravings: Food is slowly becoming an interest again after the virus, so I am saying none
Gender: Girl
Labor Signs: None, thank goodness
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Blue cheese and hot dogs
What I am looking forward to: Picking up our nursery furniture, it's only been sitting at the store for 2 weeks.
Milestones: More than halfway done!

Here is a pic from yesterday morning at 22w3d. I had my routine appt on Tuesday (post vom, pre diarrhea) and I was up 7 pounds, but I know I lost a little more being so sick so my belly is really weird right now :) And pardon the GOOFY expression on my face, I was waiting for someone to walk in the bathroom at work and catch me.

Just can't win

2011-04-13T10:34:00.000-07:00

While I know I am so blessed to be pregnant and carrying a healthy baby, there are days like these last few that I am so miserable. I have the stomach virus going around. I caught it from Owen, who was so sick that he ended up in the ER getting fluids. They told us he wasn't contagious and did a bunch of tests on him, but I have no idea where else I could have gotten it from.

Let me tell you, this is awful. Being sick is one thing, but being sick like this while pregnant is a whole new ordeal. Not only because it's more uncomfortable, but I am so worried about how this is affecting the little one inside me. Sunday was fever, chills, aches, nausea - Monday was vomiting and sleeping all day - Tuesday I felt a little better and went to work where my stomach cramped all day. I had a routine OB appt and let her know what was going on and she advised lots of rest and keep hydrated. Last night I had diarrhea ALL. NIGHT. Like, up 2- 3 times an hour barely make it to the bathroom, kill me now please, diarrhea. Took today off from work to try to recover and while the stomach cramping is gone and I feel a tiny bit better, I am still just blech. Fortunately the nurse line is awesome and gave me some ideas and safe meds to feel better.

On top of this, the dog ran away yesterday. We got him back this morning thanks to a Craigslist lost and found post and a kind person taking him in and to the vet down the street. So stressful on all of us and adding that to my upset stomach didn't help. Fortunately, Owen is healthy and fine, and R is ok. He said earlier today he didn't feel great, but I am lucky that I have the kind of husband that doesn't believe in getting sick. So even if he is throwing up every 10 minutes and pooping his brains out, he will still go to work and suck it up. I'm the one that gets the man cold in this relationship.

Hoping for better and healthier days to come!

TWO

2011-03-25T10:22:00.000-07:00

It seems like just yesterday that I was pregnant with Owen. So excited, unsure what was to come and anxious to meet my baby. And now my baby is TWO whole years old. Where does time go? How has two years slipped by so quickly? R and I were talking about the huge changes that seem to take place every day with him. The new words he is picking up, the way he can dress himself, the way he expresses himself, his interests, his friends, his likes and disklikes. This time last year, he wasn't walking yet - now he walks and runs. Last year he was not in to food at all, still taking his bottle 4 to 5 times a day, and needed to be rocked to sleep in his crib. Now he has gotten so much better and eats whatever we are eating, using utensils. He loves his milk and sippies, and just a book read on the floor while snuggling is A-ok to him, then he climbs in to his toddler bed and says night-night. Even his clothes seem so "big-boy" instead of onesies and rompers.

It makes me so sad to think of him growing up. I know he has to, it's a normal part of life. But it makes me sad that maybe this time next year he won't want to hold my hand while walking. He won't want to be read to. In a couple years, he will be reading to me. And I am sure that those years will fly by just the same as these last two incredible years. I am thankful to God every single day I get to hug this little boy, tickle him, hear him laugh. I am thankful for the days God gives me strength to deal with the tantrums, the frustrating communication barrier, the diaper changing fights. I would never change any of it, I would never wish for anything other than my Owen George. Happy 2nd birthday to my wonderful and amazing son. He's my world and I can't wait to see what the years bring.

18 Weeks and Gender Reveal!

2011-03-18T06:42:00.000-07:00

This week has been an up and down week for us. We had our anatomy scan on Monday and it revealed a perfect and beautiful healthy baby, except for the spot on the heart. Owen had the same thing, called an echogenic focus, which is a "soft marker" for Down Syndrome. With Owen I didn't really have too much concern, I mean our NT results were good so that was what I was focusing on. Now, I am a little more paranoid that something else could be wrong. I mean, Owen had the spot and he was diagnosed with NF1 when he was 10 weeks old (and no, there is no correlation between echogenic focus and NF). So we had a Level 2 ultrasound on Wednesday and the perinatologist said that everything is perfect, 100% great and our odds of having any kind of issues would be around 1 in 7,000. He did offer us an amnio for peace of mind, and we are debating whether it's worth it or not - and leaning towards not.

Here is the 18 week survey:

How far along? 18w3d
Total weight gain/loss: Up 4 pounds
Maternity clothes? Some. I can still wear some of my shirts and pants with a belly band, but I did get to go out and get some summer-y clothes since it will be 85 today and I was pregnant in the winter last time, so I have nothing!
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Great lately, I have only been waking up once a night
Best moment this week: Finding out the gender
Movement: Yep, I've got a mover and a shaker, even the u/s tech was laughing at how wiggly the baby is
Food cravings: Surprisingly, I don't really have any. Mexican sounds good, and so does Cool Ranch Doritos.
Gender: Ahem, see below
Labor Signs: None, thank goodness
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Fitting in to my clothes
What I am looking forward to: Having a cute belly
Milestones: Anatomy scan!

Here is a picture from this morning at work. I LOVE my cute sundress from Target I got on sale. I feel like I look normal in regular clothes, but as soon as I put on a maternity outfit I look huge.

And if you made it this far, then you deserve to know that Owen is going to have a little SISTER! We honestly both thought it was a girl, so it wasn't a huge surprise, but it was still exciting. We have no names, no idea of names and we can't even talk about them because we both get frustrated (can we say different taste?!). That is all for now, hopefully I will update later one, we are planning out the nursery and O's big boy room, so ideas to come.

17 Weeks!

2011-03-09T07:40:00.001-08:00

How far along? 17 weeks

Total weight gain/loss: Up 3 pounds at my appointment yesterday, but it was literally 30 minutes after lunch, so I discount a pound ;)
Maternity clothes? Not yet
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Great lately, I have only been waking up once a night
Best moment this week: Talking about names
Movement: I am pretty sure I am feeling flutters, and can feel when s/he moves from one side to the other
Food cravings: Macaroni and cheese
Gender: Find out on March 14th
Labor Signs: None, thank goodness
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Blue cheese and hot dogs
What I am looking forward to: Finding out the gender in 5 days! Not that I'm counting or anything
Milestones: Movement

Here is a belly pic from this morning. It is awful, taken by my cell phone in front of Ron's bathroom mirror which really needs to be Windex-ed.

16 Weeks

2011-03-01T12:06:00.001-08:00

I did these surveys with Owen and I love looking back at them and kind of comparing now. No belly shot right now, but maybe I will add one in tonight or tomorrow.

How far along? 16 weeks
Total weight gain/loss: Up 1 pound
Maternity clothes? Not yet
Stretch marks? No
Sleep: Ok, I have to pee 2 or 3 times a night and O has been waking up a lot recently
Best moment this week: Starting to feel movement
Movement: I am pretty sure I am feeling flutters, and can feel when s/he moves from one side to the other
Food cravings: Mmmm, food. Cheesesteaks are probably #1, along with wedge salads
Gender: Find out on March 14th
Labor Signs: None, thank goodness
Belly Button in or out? In
What I miss: Blue cheese and hot dogs
What I am looking forward to: Finding out the gender in less than 2 weeks
Milestones: Movement

Big ultrasound is set

2011-02-28T18:12:00.000-08:00

I had a routine appointment last week and all looks good with Baby #2. And we scheduled our big ultrasound for March 14th! We are taking a half day in the morning off work, going to breakfast and heading to find out if we are having a little boy or a little girl. The biggest issue we have right now is names. We aren't really thinking too hard right now about names, but that is mainly because we have none. ZERO ideas for either boy or girl.

In other news, Owen is going to be two in less than four weeks. We are having a party up home for him, and having a family day here for him and taking him to the zoo. Biggest, most exciting news right now is O peed on the potty after telling me he had to go! WOO HOO!! I then proceeded to go nuts and we headed to Target for stickers, a chart, big boy underwear and Pull Ups. He hasn't gone again in it since, but hey, it's a start. His other cute thing is that if you ask where Mama's baby is he will rub my belly. He's talking a little more, trying a lot more words and I am starting to get excited to see how he will be as big brother. It's been a little nerve-wracking and hard to wrap my head around having two, but I am starting to relax a little more.

NT Scan

2011-02-04T09:28:00.001-08:00

I had my NT scan done today and it went really well. The OB who did it we both really like, and he took a nice long time scanning, and even switched it over to 3D for a bit. The measurements were great, 1.3 -1.5, so he was really happy about that, and I will get the final results with my bloodwork next week.

It always amazes me how much the baby changes from each ultrasound. It was sucking it's thumb and moving all around, and I just thought, that's the size of a plum right now, and look how detailed it is. The OB could count hands, arms, legs and feet, see that the abdomen and head are in tact, the bladder is there are small, so he felt good that our baby would be healthy.

I go back on the 25th for my next appointment and then I will go 3 weeks after that to see what we are having! R was really excited for that, we wanted to know before we went up home for O's birthday to be able to tell everyone. Speaking of, we haven't told anyone yet (hence why this blog is private right now), but I guess we can in a week or so. I know R is ready to tell people, but I am just so paranoid and don't want to share my news. I guess sometime soon people will be able to tell and then I have no choice.

I just fell a little more in love

2011-01-27T07:59:00.000-08:00

I had an emergency appointment today because I am spotting. Again. And this time it's accompanied with cramps/tightness and my back killing me. So my lovely OB office squeezed me in and did an ultrasound. And there on the screen was this:

A baby. Not just a little blob anymore, but a real looking baby with arms and legs and everything. And as I sat there and held my breath to see something on the screen, I forgot how amazing it is to see your child and hear their heartbeat (167bpm today). I know the pictures are tiny and you can't really see anything, but the bottom right picture is the baby laying on its side with its head to the right and on the left are its little legs crossed. S/he was flipping and running, and my OB lightened the mood by pausing and rewinding the u/s to see it run and making jokes. I also fell in love my OB practice just a little bit more. (Oh please Aetna, figure this crap out with my hospital so I don't have to switch!!)

I am measuring right on time with my due date at 11w2d, and I feel like in 2 more weeks I will be out of first tri and able to relax a bit. My NT scan is a week from tomorrow, and I can't wait to see this little baby again.

2nd appointment done

2011-01-23T18:26:00.000-08:00

Morning sickness is officially kicking my ass. I have no energy to do anything, let alone update my blog. Work is a struggle, I get Owen and we now basically come home to lay on the sofa for half an hour and watch TV so I can rest and get my energy up to play until his bedtime at 7:30. Bedtime comes between 8 and 9 for me and it is a struggle to open my eyes at 6:20. The second trimester cannot get here fast enough, and hopefully will bring some relief.

I had my second appointment on Wednesday with my OB and had another ultrasound. The baby looks great and has a good heartbeat. I had a physical, which went fine and got to sit with my OB for a good 10 minutes and talk a bit. She did recommend I try to limit my weight gain to only 20 pounds this time, which I think might be ridiculously impossible considering the only food I want to eat is cheese and nachos.

There is a hiccup in everything of course. My insurance is in negotiations with the hospital I would deliver at, and if it isn't resolved by February 5th then I have to find a new OB that delivers at a different hospital. Lame. I am hoping that this will get fixed and have already been on the phone with Aetna several times and getting the appropriate forms completed to argue that I am pregnant, lazy and don't want to find a new OB and start all this crap over again. I am very comfortable where I am.

Every other aspect of life is going fine. R is good, Owen is good, work is ok. We moved Owen to his toddler bed a couple weeks ago and the transition is going great. He gets in and stays in all night, sleeps pretty well and naps well. He has been sick with a sinus infection for a bit and he has this awful cough. And being sick has made him miserable and clingy, he refuses to eat and he cries. A lot. But he still gives lots of kisses and hugs that make it all much better and make me look forward to having 2 little ones snuggling with me.

First OB Appt

2011-01-05T11:48:00.000-08:00

I had my first appointment at my OB practice today, and it went great. I actually saw the doctor who delivered Owen, and she remembered me and O, and asked how everything was, and it was nice to chat with her. She did a dating ultrasound and the baby measured ahead at 8 weeks, so they said they would use my LMP as a due date. So, August 16th it is!

It was so unreal to see this little thing with arm and leg buds moving around, and hear that heartbeat. I think that must be one of the greatest sounds in the world. After my ultrasound I had to go over history with a nurse and get about 6 vials of blood drawn. Then we went over insurance and what I have to pay out of pocket, and then I came back to work. I go back in 2 weeks for a physical and another ultrasound, and then again 2 weeks later for the NT scan.

I am kind of bummed I didn't get to talk more to the doctor because I have some questions, but I guess I can ask them next time. The nurse did say that they would monitor me closely for high blood pressure again, and also keep an eye on size because of the vacuum assist with Owen.

All in all, great appointment!

This is a whole new game

2011-01-02T08:48:00.001-08:00

Here I am, a mere 7w2d pregnant, and this whole thing is completely different than my experience with Owen. Maybe it's because this time I have a very active toddler to chase after, or maybe it's because I feel so at ease.

But this pregnancy is definitely a 180 from my pregnancy with Owen. I felt great with Owen, no morning sickness, no indigestion or heartburn, I never felt really uncomfortable, other than my anxiety and high blood pressure it was pretty good. But now.... I have morning sickness that Zofran and Phenergen can't touch, it is hard to function and I can't eat or drink much. I am tired all the time, and I know part of it is that I have O to keep me busy, but still.

One thing that is a HUGE, very noticable difference is the anxiety level. It's running a lot lower than it did with Owen. I feel pretty relaxed, we saw a heartbeat and now I am just trying to get through the days without dry heaving or falling asleep at work.

And for all of this difference, I am going to go ahead and say girl.

Viability ultrasound

2010-12-27T10:08:00.000-08:00

I had a 9:30 appointment today to check for viability. R and I got there, anxiety through the roof, and they tell me my appointment has been cancelled. No one told me that it was cancelled. So they try to figure things out, see what went wrong, can they squeeze me in, etc.... and meanwhile I am waiting to see what will happen. Sweating and nervous. They finally figured out that the dr. had some time to scan me and took me back.

I wasn't sure what to expect, or what we would see. I knew that I was still early and the doctor said that we should see a fetal pole, but probably not a heartbeat.

We not only saw a little heart flickering, but got to hear it beating at 123 bpm! And baby is measuring 6w5d, so 2 days ahead.

I go back in a week for another scan and have my first OB appointment on the 5th.

Still here, still pregnant

2010-12-21T18:11:00.000-08:00

Today I am 5w4d pregnant (according to O date) and have been spotting for 2 days. I called my RE yesterday due to spotting and they had me in for an u/s. I did not know what to expect, but there was a gestational sac and a yolk sac measuring on time with O date, and she said everything looked perfect. My next u/s is Monday, the 27th to check for a heartbeat.

I have come to terms with whatever will be, will be. I feel like if I miscarry again, then it was just not meant to be, and if I carry to full term and bring home a baby I will be ecstatic. It's almost unreal how relaxed I feel about it. I am still nervous as hell and check the TP constantly, but I know it's out of my hands.

Beta #3

2010-12-13T13:37:00.001-08:00

Blows. 200. Doubling time has slowed down by half a day and I pretty much have been crying since they told me over an hour ago.

Beta #2

2010-12-10T11:16:00.000-08:00

I went in this morning for my second blood draw and got back the results a little bit ago - 74. So, not a huge number but they more than doubled in 48 hours, so yay! I have to go back Monday for one more blood draw, and then they will schedule my first ultrasound if all looks good with the third level. Holy crap. This might actually happen.

Why Can't I Be Normal?

2010-12-08T10:40:00.000-08:00

Why does everything with my body need to be a disaster? WTH?! I got a BFP yesterday, at either 11 or 12 dpo (still not sure of O date) and got my betas done today. A whopping 31. I have pretty much convinced myself that this will end poorly, as it usually does.

It's like, I see these other women, they just get pg and go about their business with no issues. They don't get down, they don't freak out. They pop out kids with no prob. And I struggle. I know my body can do it, I know that I can carry a baby to full term. Why is it so hard to start out? Why does my body want to constantly let me down?

I go back on Friday to see if they double. So I get to sit around for 2 days and be anxious while I wait. And if I do m/c or this is a chemical pg or whatever, I am not trying again for a loooong time. I forgot how emotionally draining and stressful this is. I forgot how my stomach was constantly in knots waiting for the other shoe to drop, how much I hated every appointment. Fingers crossed that all is good and I just have a late implanter, but I basically have no hope.

Updates

2010-12-04T11:03:00.000-08:00

It's been a while since I have written, or really had too much to say. There is always something happening, something changing around here, and plenty to update, but I just feel like it matters to no one but me. But I have realized that I miss writing, I miss looking back. Which is being very helpful at this very moment to look back because I am 9dpo.

Yes, we are TTC again. I did the same regimen of Clomid days 3-7, estrogen days 8-12 and had lots of sex from about day 10 through day 20. I forgot how much I hate all of this. The first 2 weeks weren't bad at all. I was pretty "meh" about things. Then I didn't ovulate, and I kept checking every day thinking I would O around CD13 or 14, but it didn't happen until either day 17 or 18. So I am pretty sure I am either 8 or 9 dpo (I don't chart while on Clomid, just take OPK's and got almost positive the day before Thanksgiving and a very positive on Thanksgiving). It was so nerve wracking and annoying to wait to O. Then once I knew I did I was good until about 5dpo and then I started analyzing every symptom. Which is where reading back in my blog was nice to see how I was with Owen. I have no symptoms right now - none of AF, which is due Monday and none of BFP.

I didn't have any with Owen either, and I am trying not to sweat it, but I tested this morning and got a negative. I didn't get a positive with O until 10 or 11 dpo and my 2 m/c's were more like 14dpo when I got a positive. It's so annoying to be back in this mid game of trying to make a baby. And I keep thinking about it worked both times we did Clomid, one m/c and then Owen. So we used up our odds and will get a negative this month. IDK, I just want to know if our lives are about to drastically change and I will be even more exhausted and frazzled. Owen is a handful these days.

He is amazing, he is so smart and picks up on things so fast. He is in speech therapy and still only has a few words, but he understands everything out of out mouths and has his own way of communicating with us with signs and gibberish that we have to decipher. It's ok though, I know he is healthy and he is thriving, and we are just so thankful. He has started hitting and pulling hair, which is not cool. I picked up a great book at the recommendation of some friends called 1-2-3 Magic, which is about learning how to communicate, counting down and giving time outs. I really don't want to hit or spank unless it is a situation of Owen's safety is being compromised (running in the street, electrical sockets, etc....) and we HAVE to get our point across ASAP. He still loves to hug and give kisses, but he is done with being rocked and snuggly time. He is turning in to such a little boy instead of my baby.

Well, I need to google symptoms at 9dpo and early negatives that turn to positives like a giant loser. I think I can say that AF is on her way and due on Monday, so we will see.

Shutterfly ShoutOut

2010-11-28T08:53:00.000-08:00

Ok, so I know I haven't blogged in about 4 months, and my comeback post is just plugging a website, but listen... Shutterfly is giving away 50 free holiday cards to bloggers if they post about it. Go check them out, post about it, tweet it, and get some awesome free cards to send out!

And I PROMISE, I will update later today or tomorrow. There is a lot going on and I have tons to say...

Taking a Break

2010-08-26T18:35:00.000-07:00

I know that the frequency of posting has slowed waaaaay down since Owen was born. And gotten even slower as he has turned into a full fledged toddler. I do like to blog, I loved it while I was pregnant, and I love to look back at my belly shots and what I was going through at certain times. But right now, I just don't have the time. I have zero desire to be a "Top Mommy Blogger", I don't do giveaways, and I have a journal and baby book to remember things with Owen.

I will be back, I will post sporadically maybe, and I will blog with my next pregnancy, either with a new one or jump right back into this one. But for now, there will be no updates for quite a while. We are here, we are alive, we are happy and healthy, just busy!

Tantrums

2010-08-08T18:02:00.000-07:00

Oh boy, the tantrums have started. Everyone kept telling me the Terrible Two's were more like the Terrible 15 months - 3 + years. O has always been so laid back and so happy that I never really worried about them. Then he hit 16 months (Crazy, right? Where is time going?), and it was like a switch was flipped. I know part of the tantrums are stemming from his new independent phase of walking and exploring, and part of it is not being able to communicate, but it is so darn mortifying and frustrating!

The other day I picked Owen up from daycare and needed to hit Target on the way home. He was in a decent mood, he had napped, I had a snack and sippy waiting in the car, I figured no problem. Man, was I wrong. It started out ok, but after 2 minutes in the cart he wanted to get down and walk. So I tried to hurry up because he kept giving me the All Done sign, and when he starts doing that it is quickly downhill if we don't finish up. I couldn't find what I needed so I figured I would let him walk for a minute, and he just took off and wouldn't listen. I tried to hold his hand but he would just sit down. So I put him back in the cart and it started. He turned purple, he was screaming, he was throwing his sippy and Elmo, he was freaking.the hell.out. People were staring. I picked him up to try to soothe him and he hit me and started squirming and kicking. I finally check out while holding him and get to the car. I basically had to hold my elbow on his chest to buckle him in and he is swatting at me and throwing every toy he has available. Finally he calmed down once I turned the car on, but jeez it was bad.

He doesn't do it at home, we have had no tantrums here. And if one is coming we are pretty quick to diffuse. But it seems like out in public it starts. Today we went to 2 stores for about 2 hours, and he did great. I never heard a peep from him, he sat in the cart and held some items for me. As I said, I think part of it is that we don't let him walk and we don't let him play with everything he sees if he does walk (hello cleaning aisle at Lowe's and all the chemicals). I think he wants to be a big boy and we aren't letting him. Oh well, hopefully he will grow out of it, or I will find a good way to deal with it.

Speech Therapy

2010-07-18T17:50:00.000-07:00

I guess that I never updated that O was starting speech therapy, but we are now going once a week for 45 minutes. He only has about 3 words (dad, mama, dog) and at his 15 month appointment our ped was a little concerned but wanted to give him a few more months to pick up. I decided to have him evaluated by a SLP and they confirmed that he has an expressive language delay. The good news is that his receptive language (what he hears and understands) is perfect - and this part of language development can be a sign of learning disabilities. And his delay is mild, so we are really hoping that this will help put him where he needs to be.

The cool part of doing speech therapy is that they are really big on sign language to help communicate until he learns the oral part. Sometimes I sit in the room while they are working with him and wonder what the hell they are doing other than playing with him, but he has already learned some new signs. He already knew thank you and now knows more and please. They are working on eat and go, so hopefully that will help with some frustration at meal and snack times.

It sucks, and it is hard to be around people with kids Owen's age who are talking up a storm but I am trying my hardest to not compare. I just want him to talk and tell me what he wants and needs. At least he FINALLY started saying Mama and connecting it to me :) We will keep doing this once a week for 6 months and working with him at home, so we will see where he is come the new year. The geneticist wants him to have 300 - 500 words by next June. I hope we can meet that goal.

Lullabies

2010-07-10T08:49:00.000-07:00

I am not a big nursery rhyme or children's song person. I don't really know them and I tend to make up my own lyrics (just R about the muffin man song). But when Owen was born, I always sang to him - especially when rocking him - and I still do. A constant favorite was I'll Be There by the Jackson Five and it seems to play on my Pandora radio every time I turn it on. I love this song...

I'll Be There

You and I must make a pact
We must bring salvation back
Where there is love, I'll be there
(I'll be there)
I'll reach out my hand to you
I'll have faith in all you do
Just call my name and I'll be there
(I'll be there)

And oh, I'll be there to comfort you
Build my world of dreams around you
I'm so glad that I found you
I'll be there with a love that's strong
I'll be your strength, I'll keep holding on
(Holding on, holding on, holding on)
Yes I will, yes I will

Let me fill your heart with joy and laughter
Togetherness, well that's all I'm after
Whenever you need me, I'll be there
(I'll be there)
I'll be there to protect you
(Yeah baby)
With an unselfish love I respect you
Just call my name and I'll be there
(I'll be there)

And oh, I'll be there to comfort you
(I'll be there)
Build my world of dreams around you
I'm so glad that I found you
I'll be there with a love that's strong
(I'll be there)
I'll be your strength, I'll keep holding on
(Holding on, holding on, holding on)
Yes I will, yes I will

If you should ever find someone new
I know he'd better be good to you
'Cause if he doesn't, I'll be there
(I'll be there)
Don't you know, baby, yeah yeah
I'll be there, I'll be there, just call my name, I'll be there
(I'll be there)

Just look over your shoulders, honey, ooh
I'll be there, I'll be there, whenever you need me, I'll be there
(I'll be there)
Don't you know, baby, yeah yeah
I'll be there, I'll be there, just call my name, I'll be there
(I'll be there)
I'll be there, I'll be there

Meh, some parts don't really apply but I still think it's sweet. Another FAVORITE that I sing to him all the time is Franki Valli Can't Take My Eyes Off You

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like Heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

Pardon the way that I stare.
There's nothing else to compare.
The sight of you leaves me weak.
There are no words left to speak,
But if you feel like I feel,
Please let me know that it's real.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

I love you, baby,
And if it's quite alright,
I need you, baby,
To warm a lonely night.
I love you, baby.
Trust in me when I say:
Oh, pretty baby,
Don't bring me down, I pray.
Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay
And let me love you, baby.
Let me love you.

You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.
You'd be like Heaven to touch.
I wanna hold you so much.
At long last love has arrived
And I thank God I'm alive.
You're just too good to be true.
Can't take my eyes off you.

I love you, baby,
And if it's quite alright,
I need you, baby,
To warm a lonely night.
I love you, baby.
Trust in me when I say:
Oh, pretty baby,
Don't bring me down, I pray.
Oh, pretty baby, now that I found you, stay..

And yes, I totally realize these are love songs and some parts aren't really... ahem... appropriate. But I love them and they are my nursery rhymes, my goodnight lullabies. Anyone else have random songs they sing to their babes?

Settling In

2010-07-06T07:49:00.000-07:00

After 3 weeks in the new house, I feel like I can finally say we are settling in. The garage is still half full of boxes and there is nothing on our walls, but we are here and the necessities are unpacked. I had no clue how difficult it would be to move with a 1 year old. I mean, I knew it would suck, but not like this. Unpacking is harder than packing. I can't really do it while he is awake because he gets in to everything, I can't while he is sleeping because of how quiet I need to be. So, we can only really unpack on weekends or at night. But we are adjusting. The house is a little smaller than our old one, but we like it and it's SO much closer to everything, including R's work! He is actually home by 6 most nights, which is fantastic.

Owen had his 15 month appointment last week and looks great. He is hitting his milestones on time, and his height and weight are in the 35%, his head is in the 65%. The only thing is he is a little behind in speech, so we had an evaluation done last week and determined that he has a mild to moderate expressive speech delay. Basically, he understands what we say and comprehends things, but he can't really tell us anything and he only has 2 or 3 words when he should have 8 - 10. So once a week speech therapy starts today! Our therapist is awesome and she is pretty confident that he will catch up quickly to where he needs to be. He babbled late and this could just be Owen, he will be a late talker - or the strong silent type like his father ;)

We talked a little about his MRI at the appointment and the pediatrician did confirm again that everything looked great, he is completely healthy and normal. She was concerned about why the ophthalmologist saw any abnormalities and wants us to talk to her again when we go back in August for a vision check. We might need to see her more often than twice a year. Whatever we need to do to make sure O is healthy is fine with me, I would go every week if I could.

Not too much else going on in our life right now, which is pretty nice :) Although I will say that talks for baby #2 are under way and a prescription for Clomid and estrogen have been picked up and are sitting in the medicine cabinet...

Father's Day

2010-06-19T17:34:00.000-07:00

On the eve of Father's Day I found myself thinking about what an incredible man I married. Not only is he my best friend and a wonderful husband, but JEEZ is O lucky to have him for a Dad. R got up with him every night for the middle of the night feedings until Owen dropped it at 9 months - even when I was staying home and he had to get up for work. He wanted to be with Owen and help me. He always changes diapers, gives him his bath and helps me out with whatever I need. And he never complains. He is so fantastic with O. He plays with him non-stop, will do anything to get a giggle out of him, is the perfect blend of fun and discipline, friend and parent. I don't know how I got so lucky.

We met when I was 19 and he was 24, too young to be thinking about marriage material. I was more interested in the little things like his favorite food, how to get him to smile at me again, did he like cats or dogs (that's a deal breaker). I knew from our first date that he was the man I would marry, and that he was a good person, but I didn't think beyond that. You just don't go on a date (at least at 19 and in college) and ask yourself if this person is going to be a good father or not. He was never around kids and I didn't see him with children, we just agreed that we both wanted at least 2. I never would have imagined that this man that never held a newborn would be the greatest partner in parenting I could ask for.

I am thankful for every day that I get to wake up to see R next to me and hear him play with our child. I am thankful that we have O and I picked a great man to be his father, someone that he can truly look up to and admire. So on this Father's Day, I celebrate R and everything that he is.

MRI is done

2010-06-16T06:43:00.000-07:00

We had the MRI done this past Monday and it was a breeze. Owen did awesome, they put on some Blue's Clues in the exam room and he just craned his little neck around them holding him down when doing the IV so he could see :) They had to sedate him and he had no reactions to the anesthesia, it was quick and the staff was wonderful. I was told that the results would not be ready until Wednesday, but our pediatrician called us late Monday night to let me know that his results were in and NORMAL! As in, no tumors anywhere, everything looks 110% normal and he is fine. Holy moly, I think I blacked out a little when she said that. It is such a HUGE relief and a complete miracle.

I am sorry this is so short but we have just moved in to our new house (nightmare), I have sporadic internet and am still unpacking and organizing while trying to handle O. Will post more when we are settled, but I had to share in our incredible news!

Appointments update

2010-06-03T07:26:00.000-07:00

We had the geneticist appointment on Tuesday and it went great. We had 2 med students come in and look at Owen, do his physical exam and go over some papers with us. Then they got our geneticist to come in and sit with us for a while, answer our questions and go over things with us. She is very impressed with his growth, he is 50th percentile for everything, which was an improvement from last year. She thinks he is doing fantastic, hitting milestones and is right where he needs to be which was SO awesome to hear.

Yesterday we had Owen's ophthalmologist appointment at Duke and that was a little different. We had his vision checked, which was perfect and then they dilated his eyes and we waited for a few minutes before seeing the dr again. Once she came back in she checked his eyes again, and looked at his optic nerve. His right eye is perfect, looks great. His left eye looks "funny". She said his nerve is swollen and elevated, which indicates to her there is most likely an optic glioma (tumor) on his optic nerve. After I freaked out a little, she did say that it could have been there last year and wasn't far up enough or they just missed it because he was so small. As of right now, it isn't affecting him at all but we have to get an MRI done for some more answers.

Her big concern is that it will reach back to where the optic nerves cross and get on the right eye, or go back in to his brain and cause issues. So once we have the MRI we will know more about exactly what is going on back there. There is no way to remove any tumor without completely destroying the optic nerve and losing his vision out of that eye. I asked about options and all she said was they are very controversial - apparently it is chemotherapy or radiation therapy. If it gets back in to his brain, depending on where it is, they will need to do surgery. I called his ped on the way home and within an hour was cc'ed on an email to his geneticist and a neurosurgeon at Duke going over everything. Hopefully she will get us in for an MRI within a week, because I can't just sit around and do nothing.

We are both terrified, I think I cried for most of yesterday and it's just heartbreaking. I always told R, I can handle tumors, learning disabilities, ADD, whatever - there are ways to work with it all and fix it. But going blind.... I just feel like it's sentencing Owen to half a a life. I *know* that blind people can do just about everything, and he can still be whatever he wants and have a great life, but I just hate that this could be his future. And as our ped said, we need to find out if there is a great chance of having more or recurrence of the gliomas since he got them so young. They go hand in hand with NF, but we were hoping he would be a lucky one to never get them. It's just a lot to process right now, but fingers crossed it will all be ok and he won't need any surgery or lose his sight.

Geneticist appointment tomorrow

2010-05-31T10:24:00.000-07:00

We have our annual geneticist appointment at Duke tomorrow morning and I am so nervous. R and I are getting tested to see if either of us has NF1. This is huge, the results from this test determine whether or not we have more children. Part of me is dying to know, was it random, do we have it, how did this happen.... the other part of me never wants to know. I just want to bury my head in the sand and cross my fingers it doesn't happen again. But, I know that is not the responsible thing to do and we really do need to know.

R and I have talked at length about baby #2 and NF. He definitely does not want to have another child if we have NF. Our RE pushed IVF with genetic selection for this instance, but I don't know how comfortable I feel determining genetics, and R doesn't want to pay for IVF. I guess we will take whatever the test gives us and go from there.

(almost) Summer Days...

2010-05-20T07:26:00.000-07:00

Since it has been SO hot here recently, some days in the 90's, we have been taking full advantage of the warm weather. We grill every night, we hit the farmer's market for fruit and veggies, we eat on the deck, we made S'mores in the fire pit, and just enjoy the long and beautiful days.

Owen has been getting some major use out of his baby pool (I got it for $3 at Walmart this December - score!)

And every night we head out for a long walk around the neighborhood, either with a wagon or in the stroller. We talk to our neighbors, point out bugs, birds, worms and flowers to Owen, R and I hold hands and it's just a nice lazy night as a family.

We are moving in 3 weeks, and part of me can't wait, the other part of me will really miss our neighborhood now and the friends we have made here. We will come back for the legendary BBQ's and holiday party, but it isn't the same. I hope our new neighborhood brings us just as much peace and quiet, and maybe not as many killer hills to walk up :)

Excited again

2010-05-16T14:53:00.000-07:00

We are really picking up our cloth diapering again, and I just got back from a CD bazaar of sorts. It was with a local mom group that had some WAHM's and local stores come with a TON of different brands/kinds/styles to look at (and buy!). I got some great deals on what we currently have in heavy rotation, which is the BumGenius pocket one size diapers, as well as some new brands like Happy Heinies and a Bummis swim diaper. I also found a CD I can NOT wait to order. They are called Kawaii diapers, and seeing them in person and comparing, they were just like the Bum Genius pocket, and about a third of the cost.

We had kind of gotten away from CDing in the last couple of months with my weird work schedule and him being in daycare (they don't CD there), but recently R has been putting him in cloth and we just fell back in to it. I don't think Owen's heiny has touched a disposable all weekend :) Also, being there made me want to open my own natural living store and sell cloth diapers, slings, wraps and nursing gear. Can't wait to wash my new stuff and see it on O!

The Walk for NF

2010-05-13T16:38:00.000-07:00

Well, the walk is officially over with. It was hot, fun and sad. I was so happy to have our friends Amber and Steve and their dog Tonka come out and join us, as well as my dad and BFF Brittany. We got there a little late and just made the start, and there was a pretty decent turnout, more than I would have thought. Amber was telling us that there were a lot at the race as well, which had started 45 minutes earlier. We didn't really get to talk to anyone, which sucked, but it was worth it to show our support for Owen.

There were a couple of sad moments, like the little girl not much older than Owen with a large tumor on her face, or the blind boy that yelled out he could hear a doggie when we walked by with Tonka panting. But we were very proud to be there walking with Owen.

It was kind of weird though, because we all had our shirts on and after we left the walk, we got lunch at Panera. A ton of people would ask us what our shirts were for, what was NF, who was Owen, and it was so surreal. I almost didn't know what to say, and how to say it without choking up. For the most part though, it was a great experience.

Mother's Day 2010

2010-05-09T08:50:00.000-07:00

I can't believe that this is already my second Mother's Day. And that last year was basically spent like this:

Well, that's not true. We went to brunch and then the mall, where I became so engorged I had to manually pump in the bathroom to relieve the pressure, and then buy a new shirt :) THEN we came home and napped all day.

This year I have to work in the morning, so no brunch for me. I just can't wait to get home and see my Owen, the reason I get to be a part of this special day, the reason I get to be called Mama and the reason why I have never been happier. Here is the little man just a few nights ago on our evening stroll around the neighborhood.

Time flies by and he is changing every day. I love him more than anything in this world, and am thankful for every single minute I get to be his Mama. Happy Mother's Day to my mom, my sister-in-law, and all the other mom's out there celebrating today.

Donate!

2010-05-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

Ok, so we are approaching the last couple of days to the walk - there are only 3 days left to help me reach our goal of $1,000! Look over on my sidebar ----------------->
There is a beautiful button you can click that will take you right to the donation site and it is a simple process. Even $5 makes a difference and is so appreciated.

We are getting closer to our goal, and I can't believe how much we have raised on our own. I know a few of you posted and linked in your blog and I am so thankful. Trust me, there are people that are in a great position to help spread the word and raise awareness, and they decided they did not want to be bothered. I am thankful to have awesome blog readers and friends.

Hopefully we can hit our goal, I know there are family members and some people who have not yet donated and told me that they would, so hopefully that will get us there! Again, thank you so much for the donations, emails, FB messages, support and help raising money. It is amazing how many people care and want to help! It's all for this little boy and his future...

He's growing so fast...

2010-05-02T05:33:00.000-07:00

We went to a second birthday party for Owen's buddy Nate (my friend Callie's son) at the park yesterday. And this park happened to have a huge playground with different sets of equipment and tons for Owen to play with! R got this picture of him while I just gawked at him... he looks like such a little BOY - not a baby, but a real little boy.

It makes me sad in a way to see how fast he is growing up, but it was so cool to see him having fun with big kids, playing on the playground. He even went down the slide a few times, and once on my lap. I forgot that those plastic slides cause massive static and electric shocks. Not fun for me :( But he had a blast. He had some goldfish, shared his wagon with the big kids, ate some ice cream cake and gnawed on some crayons - sneaky boy.

All in all it was a great day!

We bought a house!!!

2010-04-30T06:04:00.000-07:00

Wooooo-hoooo!!!!!! A beautiful, wonderful, awesome house that is actually close to stuff (I am 5 minutes from a Super Target - woooot!). Oh yeah, and 15 minutes from my work and 20 minutes from R's work. I guess that's the important part :)

It's a little smaller than what we have now, but we love it. The kitchen was totally remodeled with granite countertops, cherry cabinets, built in wine rack and all stainless steel appliances that they are leaving for me. Hardwoods, wood burning fireplace, skylights in the master bedroom, walk in closets, a HUGE deck out back, 2 car garage, and the yard is nice and has flowers and bushes planted for me already. Plus, the neighborhood is awesome. I work with someone who lives there, as does R, and both have gone on and on about how wonderful it is, quiet and private.

The only downside to all of this is the daycare situation. See, this house is on the COMPLETE opposite side of town that we had found care. It would now be a 45 minute drive to daycare, so that one is out. I have toured 16 daycares, have 4 more to do next week and still can't find anything. Plus, the costs are at least $200 more a month which is killing me. It's lower quality care for more money. I might have found one that is ok for now and I see that on Tuesday. I am so stressed out right now about the whole situation. I hate that we are pulling O out of his current daycare, and I know I am comparing every one I see to where he is now and they don't match up. I'm sure we will find something eventually :)

But - WE HAVE A HOUSE!! And I can NOT wait to move in.

Moving sucks

2010-04-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

I am so glad that we have sold our house, especially in this market. We are set to close on June 10th, which seems so far away but I know will be here before we know it. The fun part of all of this is that we still have nowhere to live. We are out looking and have had numerous friends and coworkers telling us about their neighborhoods, which is great to have some ideas but there is so much out there! And we still don't know the area very well and don't want to get stuck somewhere. So we decided to rent.

I researched (and I love to do research on stuff. Picking apartments, cross referencing locations, cost, daycares nearby, it was awesome), and we went to see 6 apartments. OMG, I forgot how small apartments are. We only lived in an apartment for 2 years and that was over 6 years ago with half the amount of crap and no child. I think I had a mini breakdown after we left the last apartment. I have to admit I am spoiled with a 2 car garage, 4 bedrooms and 2000 square feet. I can't go down to 1000 square foot 2 bed apartment. Well, I could but it would be loooong year. And the logistics of parking in a parking lot every day, finding a space close to the apartment, and what if I have groceries or stuff to carry in? I can't really leave O in the car while I carry them in, and I can't leave him in the apartment while I trek back and forth. IDK, maybe I overthink but I was definitely down about our living situation.

Then we spoke to our realtor who gave us someideas - she is amazing, sold our house in 2 weeks for more than we were asking :) - and now we are on the hunt for a house. We can't really get our dream house right now, it's not really an option. Because we have no time to search for it. Oh no, apparently with the new lending laws we need at least 30 -35 days to close on a loan, so we have 2 weeks to find a house. And I work weekends, or nights, and crazy 10 + hour shifts. I work both weekends the remainder of the month. Which means I have to go look at houses this Friday while I am off and if I find something I like R has to either go back with O over the weekend or try to take off work and meet me there. We did narrow down a list of 10 houses to 7 that I am going to Friday. Not optimal, but we will find something I am sure.

The worst part of all of this is logistics. How in the HECK am I supposed to pack up all of our stuff? And with a one year old who is in everything and thinks pulling crap out of boxes and bags is his job. This child hates organization of any kind. Put all his blocks in his bucket for him and watch him get angry, pick up the bucket and shake it until every.last.block. is out on the floor. I know I have daycare available, but we have no other family down here to help us in the weeks leading up to our move. I am dreading packing up everything, and sorting (although I can't wait to throw stuff away and get rid of stuff). Thankfully, my dad and brother and SIL are coming down to help us get loaded up and moved, our realtor provides a truck for free and we are hiring 2 guys to do the heavy moving for us.

Eight weeks plus one day until we move. Can't wait and dreading it at the same time. At least I have daycare lined up in the general area we are moving to, so I don't have to tour them anymore.

Here's a reason why O being 1 is awesome...

2010-04-12T17:45:00.000-07:00

We are completely done with formula and bottles!!! No more washing bottles, no more taking up my entire bottom shelf and half my second shelf in my cabinet, and no more buying formula!

Here's all his crap packed up - dishwasher basket (which we had to get back out for sippy parts and paci's), all his bottles, bottle brush, bottle warmer, everything. We are 100% on whole milk and food. Owen still sucks at eating most of the time, but he is getting better at trying new foods and eating, not just snacking. It's definitely a milestone and he is doing awesome!

Trip home and the birthday debacle

2010-04-07T12:38:00.000-07:00

Going home is always a great time (insert sarcasm here). I love to see my family, but between the IL's, the traveling and all the other stressors, it just doesn't seem worth it sometimes. I decided that this trip we were flying - or at least Owen and I were. But, we had to fly by ourselves, which was definitely interesting. I had O strapped to me in the Bjorn while pushing his stroller with his convertible carseat balanced on top of it, wore my diaper bag and pulled my carry on suitcase. Thankfully, Southwest was awesome and carried my car seat down the jetway and installed in the seat for me while gate checking my stroller and putting my suitcase overhead :) I was super nervous because Owen had a double ear infection, but he slept the whole way up, from take off until we were at the gate in Baltimore.

My dad picked us up and we went to the Inner Harbor and had lunch at Phillip's overlooking the water. Crab and spinach dip + crab cake sandwich = awesome. And yes, I let Owen play with a manhole cover, I washed his hands afterwards :)

We made it to my mom's before dinner and had a great night with her, R made it up around 1 am, poor guy.

The next day we got up and ran errands, got some stuff for the party and ate lunch. I knew there was a very specific reason why I did NOT want any form of a birthday party. The stress. OMG, the stress. And it wasn't even really a party! I bought a few balloons, some chip and dip and my mom got a cake.

I got Owen a little hat that said I'm One! and a cute shirt with a 1 on it -

(forgive the pic from his actual bday, I don't have any from his party of the shirt)

and some paper plates and napkins. Woo-hoo. And yet, somehow it ballooned from family going to dinner and having cake to 20+ people coming (bringing gifts too, those buttholes. I specifically asked for NO GIFTS!). I was happy to see everyone, Owen actually took a 2 hour nap and was happy and it should have been good times had by all. Um, no. MIL strikes again.

She decided she had to come half an hour early to see Owen after we told her that he was going to be taking a nap. So she showed up all early and dragged R's sister and grandmom to sit at my mom's house and watch me get ready and cut fruit and veggies and make dip. As soon as Owen woke up I went and got him, got him dressed, barely made it out of the room and MIL was right there trying to grab him from me. Now, let me preface this whole rant with this statement: I KNOW the woman wants to see her grandson. I know she loves him and wants to spend time with him as much as possible. I appreciate the fact she is involved with her grandson and loves him. That being said, if she EVER peels my son off of me while he is clinging on and he already refused to go to her once when she held out her hands, I will rip her head off.

By the time he got up it was a little after 2 and people were at the house so we got him dressed and out the room, where MIL proceeded to grab him from me and walk out to the room by herself and sit with him. So basically, no one else got to see him. She would not put him down or give him back and finally I made R go get him so the 15 other people in the house could see the birthday boy. That lasted about 10 minutes before she was back trying to get him. She would just grab him and go sit in a room alone with him! WTF, let some other people who are taking the time to come see their nephew/cousin/grandchild/friend/godson have a couple minutes. Let the poor child breathe and get down and crawl around. No, of course not.

Then we had some cake. I was SO excited to see Owen with his cake.

My mom got a little 6 inch cake just for him to smash and play with.
Who is sitting at the table with O but my MIL and BIL - my 2 least favorite people. No room for me or R to sit with him, because that would involve being polite and getting up for us. We sang to him, gave him his cake and he started patting and playing with it - too cute! Then BIL kept chanting for him to smash his face in it, MIL starting talking about America's Funniest Home Videos (her FAVORITE show) and then she proceeded to pick up his cake like she was going to smash him with it, and hold it 3 inches from his face. I want to cry now just thinking of it, it made me so mad. I had to get R to intervene again. PUT THE CAKE DOWN AND LET HIM PLAY WITH IT!! 5 minutes she sat there and O just didn't know what to do with her holding the cake up. Once R got her to put it down O had a blast and got filthy. After he was done I took him into our room to change him out of his cake covered clothes and of course, MIL had to follow me and as soon as I finished changing him she grabbed him from me. While Owen clung to me and did NOT want me to let go. FURY. (wow, I have used a lot of caps in this post so far)

About 30 minutes after cake everyone left and MIL and FIL stuck around for a bit, which was fine. Take all the time you want when it's just us, but I feel SO bad that hardly anyone else had time with him because of her and I wish I had spoken up more, taken him and walked him around to everyone, something. I feel guilty now that no one hung out with him.

After the party my family and BFF went out to dinner at one of our favorite restaurants
- and yes, O is a big boy coloring and drinking whole milk from his sippy! More on this later

and we got up the next morning to come home with my mom. It was O's second Easter! I didn't do very much but a little basket from Target with a board book and some empty eggs, but he loves those things! He puts them in his dump truck and pushes them around :)

We went out to breakfast before hitting the road. MIL wanted to stop by but I said we had to be on the road by 9 and they were going to Mass, so no dice. Oh no, they went to sunrise service and just "happened" to show up where we had breakfast claiming they go there every Sunday. We sat at a table next to them (me, R, O, my mom and dad) and not 1 minute after we were settled she came over and took O right out of his high chair and back to their table. Never asked, never said I'll take him, nothing. Just felt entitled to take him. Grrr....We finally got out of there and came home, and days later I am still pissed. The one good thing is that the IL's got him a wagon, and it was actually the wagon that we wanted and brand new in a box- sweet! O helped R put it together and we went on a nice walk Sunday night because the weather here is gorgeous!

Here is O and his "date" Senor Duck. Daycare gave him the duck, along with a book and bubbles for Easter. I love his daycare and will miss them sooo much when we move.
My baby is ONE and changing and growing right before my eyes. Even though the party pretty much sucked and I am not that happy with MIL's behavior (and BIL hitting on BFF and texting me for her number), it still was family time and Owen's birthday which was great.

O's birthday

2010-04-05T15:44:00.000-07:00

Is a whole 'nother post just waiting to happen. I will say that the day of his birthday was wonderful. It started a little chilly with his one year pics in the morning and then turned in to a beautiful day the 3 of us spent together. We did go to dinner with our friends and have a great night. His birthday party.... well, lets just say I have a brand new MIL story :(

Also, his one year appointment was pushed back because when we got there it was discovered that he has a double ear infection (and I had to fly with him 4 days later, but he did awesome and slept the whole way).

I will post all about the birthday with some pictures in the next day or so, but I wanted to pop in and say thanks for the birthday wishes via email and FB!

This time last year....

2010-03-26T19:17:00.001-07:00

That has been the phrase running over and over in my mind for the last few days, and as I sit here to type this out - after writing out Owen's birthday card and getting all of the balloons out of the trunk of my car to put in the house - I can remember that I was in active labor, epidural not working and listening to NCAA basketball while R slept. Which is, oddly, what I am doing now. I just can't believe that Owen will be one tomorrow. I am literally gobsmacked at the thought of ONE whole year passing. Someone had the balls to call him a toddler at daycare today and I almost peed my pants at the thought.

But the truth is, he is getting there. Tonight he walked across the room just holding onto R's hand with his little one, like a big boy. Jeez, I am tearing up just remembering it. It's going too fast. I just need time to slow down a little, just give me more time to hold him, to take in more moments that may pass me by.

How has it been one full year since I met the love of my life, this tiny squawking little baby that could barely open his eyes? One full year since I had the most miraculous and amazing, life changing moment that would forever define me as Mama? One year since I held my hopes and dreams, the culmination of all the pain, the tears, the struggle and the anxiety, and said "I love you" for the first time. And how many times have I said it since? A couple thousand, tens of thousands, more than that? Nothing would have ever prepared me for being a mother, and the emotions that come with it. No one could have told me how much my world would change, and for the better.

I can't explain the love I have for Owen. From the second the doctor called out 4:08! and I heard his cry, my heart has continued to expand with a love that is so intense. I am so proud to be his mother and to get to celebrate tomorrow with him. So, on the eve of my sweet boys birthday I sit here remembering the night he was born, and while I wish that I could go back and do it again and live this year over again, slow it down, rewind some moments and fast forward through others, I can't wait to see what year 2 has to bring.

Taking a Stroll

2010-03-21T18:08:00.001-07:00

When Owen was born, it was the happiest day of my life. He was finally here, we finally had our baby and he was so perfect and so amazing. The next day hearing the doctor utter the words "genetic disorder" sent panic through my body. The following 8 weeks were hell while we waited and wondered. Looking back at it now, I am so angry at myself for focusing on the flaws they pointed out, wondering if other people noticed it and thought he was ugly or something was wrong, for not enjoying every moment (well, there are a lot of things I regret about my maternity leave and wish I could do over). I see that waiting for his diagnosis made our lives so strained and we didn't fully enjoy our new son because there was always the "what if..." question hovering over us. When the official diagnosis of NF Type 1 came through, it was almost a relief to finally know what was going on. I HATE that he has this, that there will always be visits with the geneticist and other doctors every year. I wish I could take it away and I wish that it wasn't his life. But it is, so we embrace it and try to educate ourselves as much as we can.

On May 8th we are doing our first Walk for NF. Finally, the Children's Tumor Foundation is having an event in NC that we can participate in. I am SO unbelievably excited, I can't stand it. I am excited to raise money (although I will say I set the bar a little high for myself at $1000) for a cause that directly impacts us, our sons future and the research going to a cause. But what I am even more excited about is who will be there. No one famous, no one that is mind blowing or even recognizable. I am excited that there will be others there dealing with NF, living with NF, others there that might have children with NF. People I can talk to, hear their stories, learn from them, and hopefully build a network for Owen. I want to find others in our area that he can sit with when he is older and has a rough day or has questions for someone that I just can't answer. And maybe no one can, but having another person in his life that has been dealt the same card as him could be invaluable.

So, I post all of this to ask for support. If you are in the area of Greensboro, NC on the weekend of May 8th, come on out and walk with us. Or if you are feeling extra generous and want to give to a great cause, please donate to our team - On the Way to End Nf (what do the caps spell out?.... ). I have placed the link on my sidebar and in this post. If you would like to repost or direct people from your blog or your life to read this, it would be greatly appreciated. Am I annoying? Yes. Do I care? Not really. I want to work hard to make a difference for Owen and work towards finding a cure. If you go to www.ctf.org you can learn a little bit more about NF and what it is. Thanks for reading and (if so inclined) donating!

Summer is fast approaching

2010-03-15T08:59:00.000-07:00

I cannot wait for summer to get here. We have so many plans and things to do, but I am especially looking forward to our family vacation with my entire family to the beach back up home in Delaware at the end of June. I can't wait to see everyone and take Owen down to the beach. Last year on our OBX vacation when O was just 10 weeks old, he wasn't a fan but I am hoping now that he will be 15 months olds when we go he might enjoy it.

One thing I am debating this year though, is the swimsuit dilemma. I have nothing but bikini's and I really don't feel like buying any new bathing suits. I was contemplating a tankini for this year, but I don't want to cave. And this is where I brag a little -

This is me 4 days after giving birth to Owen (not the greatest picture, but you get the gist of my midsection, and see me in my fat pants):

Oh, and that summer family vacation to OBX when Owen was 10 weeks old... this is me:

So I kind of feel like if I show up frumpy in a mom suit or something, I will get some ribbing from my family and I also feel like a failure. I haven't worn a one piece suit in probably 10 years other than working out, and all I have are my racing suits I wear to the gym pool.

I never felt better about myself or my body than when I was pregnant and immediately afterwards. And now my eating habits have slipped, exercise is a long forgotten past time and I am about 7 pounds heavier now than in this picture. I want those 7 pounds gone. I have 3 pounds to go to be in the 130's and I would like to be 135 - I am 5'9" so it's a decent weight for my height, and I am still below pre-pregnancy weight, but I just need to get some extra motivation going to lose these last pounds! I have 3 months to go, I know I can do it!

BFF's

2010-03-07T16:36:00.000-08:00

Heart = melted

First Birthday Bananas

2010-03-02T17:28:00.000-08:00

I am one of the weird people that decides not to do a first birthday party. I put my foot down, we are not having a party for a baby who will never remember it, it's a waste of money and I refuse. So... Owen's first birthday party will be April 3rd.

In all seriousness, it isn't really a birthday party, not like some of these other parties I have seen on blogs or heard about through friends. We asked immediate family to come to my mom's house for cake the weekend after his birthday, no gifts, no big to do. My mom ordered a cake from the same lady who did my engagement party/bridal party/baby shower cakes and she is including a 6 inch cake just for O. I think we have blue plates and napkins left over from the baby shower and that's about as crazy as it gets.

Well, of course, there is MIL drama. You can't do freaking anything without her getting in it. She has to know what is going on, when we will be there, what time is everyone coming, EVERYbody keeps calling her wanting to know why they can't bring gifts, EVERYbody wants to know if there will be lunch (it's at 2 and we said come have some cake), it's like a never-ending phone call of annoyance. I feel bad for R because she only calls him to bother him. The thing is, she just ruins it. All the excitement or planning, is just gone because she has to call constantly and ask the same questions over and over and harass us. She even called my mom about stuff. It's like - Look, lady. It's a first birthday party for someone else's child. Back. Theheck. Up.

Anyway, I am looking forward to going home for a quick 2 days and bringing my mom back down with us for some one on one Owen/Nana time. And getting to hang out with her myself. I can't believe Owen will be one in less than a month. I just went up and rocked him while crying because I feel like time is being yanked out of my hands.

Baby Fever

2010-02-25T17:03:00.000-08:00

I have some MAJOR baby fever. Like, let's get pregnant this month because I am dying over here. I don't know where it came from or why I have it, but it has hit me hard. And it didn't help that last night while going through some boxes I found O's newborn clothes and OhMyGod were they TINY! So cute and cuddly, and I remember when they were big on him. Put this fever in overdrive. We had originally thought about trying when Owen was a year old and I wasn't prepared for that a couple of months ago. And realistically, I am not ready now and we are literally in the worst possible situation to TTC again.

We put our house on the market. Well, technically, it won't be listed for a few more days since they are coming to take pictures in a couple of days and then it will go up, but still - we are moving. And where are we moving you may ask? To an apartment. That's right, we are trading in our 4 bedroom 2000 square foot house with a ton of land for an apartment. We live in the middle of nowhere and R has a 50 mile one way commute. I work in Raleigh, our friends are in Raleigh/Cary. We go out to eat, shop, hike, everything in Raleigh - 30 minutes from where we are. So we decided to suck it up for a year, get an apartment by R's work, save some major money and let me be in school, and then look to buy our dream/forever home. So having a baby while in a 2 bedroom apartment with a 2 year old = my idea of hell.

So the plan remains to wait until this fall/winter and go from there. Who knows how long it will take to sell, what kind of apartment we find, what situation we are in with work and school. But if I see another teeny, tiny newborn baby, or watch one more stupid baby show, I might breakdown :)

Man, I lurve my RE

2010-02-15T16:18:00.000-08:00

I went in and saw Dr. S today. I decided to take Owen since she had not seen him other than the birth announcement we sent. We got there a little early and were able to go right back and see her. She gave me a big hug and was so happy to sit and talk. We went over my pregnancy, labor and delivery, post partum and everything we have been through. She wanted to hear about my anxiety levels and what we wanted to do about getting pregnant again.

I told her that we wanted to get pregnant again this fall, and the anxiety I had about TTC with no help. All that gave us last time was a miscarriage. We know I have a LPD and thin lining, along with missing my left tube, so it just feels like three strikes against me. She gently reminded me that nothing is ever certain and 20% of pregnancies will end in miscarriage. But, she understands my feeling of what worked last time is what we need to do again, and she agreed that she really liked the protocol we used before. I walked out with prescriptions in my hand for Clomid and Estrogen and instructions to call her when either we got pregnant, or the 3 refills ran out to move on the next plan.

I just feel so happy that we are on the same page, and we have the same plan as before. It was so great to see her and just talk about everything, I feel so excited and know that when the time comes to TTC #2 we are ready. Now we just have to figure out when that will be, and until then my prescription is stuck to the fridge.

**And in totally non-related news, Owen is sleeping again!!! We got about a solid 12 hours last night, with just a couple fusses that he was able to put himself back to sleep and one trip in to give him his pacifier. Whew!

The end of my rope

2010-02-13T12:38:00.000-08:00

Owen will not sleep. Just decided to quit sleeping through the night, even though he's basically been doing it for the last 8 months. Now, he goes down at 8 pm, wakes up 3-4 times a night fussing for his pacifier, and is typically up by 4 or so. We tried to let him cry a little, but he just gets hysterical. We rock him, we give him a bottle, we sleep in his glider or on the sofa, we put him in bed with us - nothing works. First we thought it was because he had a stomach bug. Then maybe it is because he is stuffy, or teething. I saline and suction his nose, put Vick's Vapo Rub on him, run the humidifier, give him Motrin, teething tablets, everything I can possibly do and I get nothing.

Now he is refusing naps. I know at daycare he doesn't typically nap, but I figured it was because it's noisy and busy. But home he will take at least one good 2-3 hour nap. Today he was up at 4:45 for the day, fell asleep at 11:45 and up at 12:10. He absolutely REFUSES to take another nap. We did a car ride, warm bottle, rocking, I tried to lay with him in our bed but all he wants to do is climb on me and pull my hair.

I am exhausted. I am beyond frustrated. He has been a great sleeper for MONTHS and now I can't get more than 8 to 9 hours out of him, while babies his age typically need 12 - 14 at least. He is eating fine, nothing in his routine has changed, nothing in his diet... I just can't figure it out and I can't get him to sleep. Do you know how much it sucks to not get any sleep at night, bank on squeezing in a nap while he naps, and get nothing?! I am crying while I right this because I can't do it, I am literally drained of energy and SO tired. It was fine when he was a newborn, I expected it. And I also expect a few sleepless nights every now and then. But we are on day 16 of not sleeping and I don't know how much more I can do.

RE appointment

2010-02-12T11:25:00.000-08:00

Well, so long March 29th appointment and HELLO February 15th appointment! I quit my job, only because I got a new, much better one, and will have next week off. So I called my RE to see if there was a possibility of getting squeezed in sometime next week and they are seeing me Monday. Squeee!!! I am so nervous, but really excited too. I can't wait to hear all of Dr. S's thoughts and find out what we need to do for baby #2 :)

Writer's Block

2010-02-07T17:53:00.000-08:00

There are so many things I want to write about - work, O being sick, everything he is doing, my foray into birth control and finding an OB, and a ton of other stuff. But I go to sit and write and nothing will come out. I am going to sum it up real quick:

Work sucks. I hate my new job, it completely reaffirms why I left my job in insurance. Because I hate insurance. The good news is that out of nowhere I got a call from a company I interviewed with in October that had another opening and signed me up for an interview, then another one, and resulted in a tentative job offer pending a clean background/drug/credit check. It would be flexible hours - they are 24/7/365 so I can work nights, days, weekends, 4 ten hour days, anything. Which opens me up for school and more time with Owen. They will have on site daycare within a year, the benefits are amazing, it is closer to home and a laundry list of pros. I am trying to take it as a sign from God that this came from nowhere and keeping my fingers crossed until I hear.

Owen is amazing. He is crawling everywhere and getting into everything, and I mean everything. The little monkey is so fast and curious. He is pulling up to stand and starting to cruise around his toys and the furniture. He just started walking behind toys in the last day or two. He is feeling much better but sleeping like crap, I mean we are back to newborn phase of waking up all night and R and I are dragging. But he is eating great, we are finally getting in 3 good meals a day and he loves to eat. He babbles constantly, giggles and loves to snuggle. He is showing his separation anxiety, especially at daycare drop off, but when we pick him up and he crawls as fast as he can to us, it is the best.

Birth control sucks. My cycles are SO completely out of whack since having Owen, anywhere from 25-35 days or so, and my hormones are nuts. I don't have an OB anymore, so I went to a new one and got my options. I didn't like the practice and will be going to a different one once we get pregnant again. But, I was put on NuvaRing until we begin TTC, which should help with my cycles and hormones. I just started it, so I am not sure how I feel about it but so far so good. I don't do well with hormonal birth control, but apparently this is low dose slowly released, and since it isn't a pill I have to digest it will be gentler on me. We will see.

Ok, I will write a proper post soon, but wanted to say I have not disappeared. Just busy and tired :)

I have a confession

2010-01-31T13:44:00.001-08:00

I do not *do* vomit. I have a serious issue with it, and you could almost say a phobia. I am not the girl that holds back her friends' hair and rubs their back as they throw up after a wild night. If I am watching something and know there is a vomit scene, I have to mute it and turn my head. I was so terrified of being pregnant and getting morning sickness (which I never had, thank Jesus). Once, when R was sick, I made him run water and turn on the fan in the bathroom so I wouldn't have to hear him. I know, compassionate, right?

We always joked that R was in charge of any stomach issues with our kids, and this week O had his first gastrointestinal virus. He's had a cough for a week or so and on Wednesday night, he threw up around 10:30 at night. I chalked it up to congestion drainage settling in his stomach. Changed his sheets, gave him a bath, put him back to bed. Around 3:30 I hear him crying and go to check on him, no vomit but it smells bad. I check his diaper and it was DIARRHEA. I mean, poop was in the feet of his pj's :( We cleaned him up, changed his sheets again, changed pj's and diaper and as soon as I picked him up, he threw up ON ME. O.M.G. I think I handled it ok, handed him to R so I could grab a rag and R changed his pj's again. Well, then he had diarrhea again, about 3 more times. He finally fell back asleep until 7 when he woke up seeming better. We tried a small bottle, which he projectile vomited (gag). We took him to the pediatrician where we were told there is a virus going around - highly contagious for the first 24 - 48 hours - and just to keep him hydrated. R stayed home with him all day while I went to work. I get home Thursday night, R hands him to me telling me that he kept down Pedialyte all day and just took a 6 ounce bottle. Turn to O, smile and get thrown up on again.

By Thursday night he has only had 1 wet diaper all day, his mouth is dry and he isn't making tears, so we take him to the ER to get checked out. They determine he is dehydrated and he gets IV fluids. They gave him half a bag and he still didn't pee. I had to give him 4 ounces of pedialyte and water, and finally, half an hour after that he peed. We head home at 4am, crawl into bed, R goes to work and Owen gets up at 7:30 to hang out with me all day. He was fine all day. Me, not so much. I just felt off. I ran to the grocery storm because there was a winter storm coming, got home and it just went downhill. By 4 I called R and told him to get home ASAP, I was going to die. Another bad mom confession: I put O in his jumper in front of the TV for half an hour so I could lay on the sofa, pound Emetrol and pray that I would make it until R got home.

R got home at 5 and I think I lasted until 5:30 before I threw up. Oh, the horror!!!! I HATE throwing up, HATE IT, HATE IT, HATE IT!!!! I threw up twice and then passed out until noon Saturday. Owen had been fine until Satruday afternoon where he threw up on me for a third time! Jeez, I can't catch a break. It is so awful, but everytime he made a move, a weird sound, got fussy, I internally clenched up and prepared for barf. It is so awful, but I was literally terrified of being around him and getting thrown up again. Today is much better, he has not been sick and his poop has been better and I have not thrown up since Friday. I actually ate some soup and toast today, so that is promising. Owen is increasing his bottle amounts, eating yogurt and banana, and pounding his sippy cup. I never want him to be dehydrated again, that was so scary.

Hopefully next time this happens (although I pray it never does), I will be an old pro. I won't flinch at vomit, and I will snuggle my baby as he barfs all over me. I just hope that this is all over and he will continue to keep everything down and feel better.

Getting Ready

2010-01-24T10:41:00.000-08:00

Here it is, Sunday before a full work week and I automatically find myself going through the motions. Laundry, cleaning, picking out an outfit for the first day, picking out Owen's outfit and getting his stuff ready for daycare, cooking a couple dinners for the week so I have some extra time with him at night. Thankfully, little man has decided to take a nice long nap this afternoon so I can do all this with no interruption.

I am surprisingly excited for tomorrow. I know I will be there to pick up O by 4:30 and get a good 3 hours with him before bed. I know he is in good hands and will have fun. I was telling R today that I can't believe January is almost over already. February will fly by and it's a short month and before we know it, Owen will be 1 (that is a whole different post). He said he was sad, time is going too fast, but I am excited to see what the year is going to bring. I don't want to wish away any time, but knowing we are TTC #2 later is making me excited!

Anyway, fingers crossed for a smooth day tomorrow. I believe I am 8-4 for 4 weeks and then I can do my own thing, so I am going to request a 7-3 schedule 5 days a week or 7-5 for 4 days. That way I am having either a full day with O or a good couple of hours in the afternoon/evening. I am not looking forward to being gone from him all day :( Fortunately, we have done this before so I know what to expect and how to juggle my time - which I now have more of than my previous job. I think we are all set for the morning, so please think good thoughts for me and my sanity this week!

The Age Old Debate

2010-01-22T17:36:00.000-08:00

Staying Home versus Working Mom. It has been on other blogs and message boards all week and I have my own opinion to throw in to the mix. Since I have had the pleasure of experiencing both sides of the debate, I think I am qualified to offer up a post :-p

When I had to head back to work when O was 9 weeks old (3 weeks bedrest, 9 weeks left in FMLA), it SUCKED. I was sad to leave my baby with strangers, I hated my job and what made me feel worse was we were gone ALL DAY. He was dropped off at 7 am and we typically got back to daycare at 6pm to pick him up. He wouldn't nap there, sometimes he would refuse to eat, he got sick a lot and I was frustrated. If he was sick, I or R stayed home. We have zero family within a 2.5 hour radius to help. I was getting up at 6, out the door by 6:45, dropping him off around 7, to work by 8, work until 5, pick him up at 6, come home, cook dinner/reheat leftovers, eat, try to play and cuddle for the spare 30 minutes before bath, bottle, book and bed. Weekends I spent every second with Owen. I took him with me on errands, to see friends, to go anywhere. I skipped a lot of stuff to stay in with him on weekends and enjoy my time with my child. I cleaned while he napped (because when he was little, the boy would NAP), popped him in his sling or Bjorn to help me fold laundry or put dishes away. I didn't watch TV, I barely got online, I had no clue what was going on with Lost. But, I cherished my time with him - that takes precedence over ANYTHING. He will only be tiny once, he will only sit up unassisted the first time once, or only crawl the first time once. At 5.5 months I made the move to stay home and have been here with him for the past 4+ months.

Staying home is a whole different game. I loved it, I hated it, I wish I could stay home longer, I can't wait to go to work. It is by far, hands down, the HARDEST JOB I HAVE EVER HAD. Ever. I still get up at 6 - 6:30 because that's when the boss is up. My day consists of changing, feeding and entertaining a baby who may or may not decide to nap that day. He gets in to everything and I have to keep an eye on him constantly. My vocabulary consists of a heavy rotation of "Don't put that in your mouth!", "Don't touch!", and "It's Ok" after he falls for the 10th time after trying to pull up. I might go 11 hours with no break other than running to the bathroom. And I still have to make sure he isn't getting in to everything while I pee. When he does decide to nap, I might have 30 minutes or I might have 3 hours. I try to clean, do laundry, and other miscellaneous chores while peeking in on him and holding my breath that he doesn't wake up. It is marvelous to be able to run my errands during the week and take him grocery shopping on Fridays when the store is empty. But I think a lot of people have this perception of staying home = awesome life of plenty of time and freedom. And it so isn't like that. Yes, I can meet other SAHM's and go to coffee or walk the mall, but 90% of the time we go to these meetups because we have to get out of the house before we scream. We need an excuse to get dressed, slap on some makeup, speak in normal voices about adult matters.

If I had to choose between the 2, I would take a combo of stay at home full time and work 1 or 2 days a week part time. I love that Owen gets socialization and structure in daycare. I go to pick him up and they tell me how much fun he had rolling around with a new toy, or he and a certain baby "wrestle" and giggle. I love that I get a chance to get out and get dressed nice, I get a break from watching him 24/7. But I love that I am home to see him learn new things, I get to feed him and hold him close, I get to love on him all day. One is not better than the other, and moms in either situation will think the grass is greener. I have learned that I have to do what is right for my family. Right now, that is me working - and only because I have an unbelievable opportunity that will allow me a flexible schedule where I am home by 4, and a chance to have another baby. Later, when my children have practice, school, lessons and whatever else, it will be me staying home. I don't think SAHM's have the life anymore, and I don't resent working. But, to each their own.

Sweet Boy

2010-01-19T08:44:00.000-08:00

I love my sweet boy. I love

how he holds my hand when he sits in the shopping cart

his giggle and the ability he has to crack himself up

his sweet baby smell

how tiny and innocent he looks while sleeping

how he hugs me, wrapping both arms around my neck

his only two teeth and goofy smile

his blue eyes

his little fat feet

every inch of him from head to toe

how he loves books and being read to

watching him feed himself, the look of concentration is priceless

his slowly-coming-in hair

his babbling and baby voice

rolling on the floor with him

playing games, that he knows what "I'm Gonna Get You!" means and squeals with delight

how he rubs his hand on my side while I give him a bottle

the little boy he is turning in to

how cute he looks in his cloth diapers and nothing else

watching him try to pull up and crawl

going out with him, he is so well behaved (usually)

his willingness to be held and loved on

feeding him new foods and watching his reaction

bath time and his splashing

rocking him in his glider

watching him sleep

rubbing his head and feeling how soft his hair is and how good it smells

his SMILE

how everything must be inspected by going in the mouth

his fierce love for his sock monkey

how he lights up when he sees the dog

how he is ticklish EVERYWHERE

There is so much more that I love, and I find something new everyday. I know if I kept writing it down, I would never stop and I just hope someday I can convey all of this to him.

Heading back to work

2010-01-16T11:15:00.000-08:00

I got a job offer on the job that I wanted. As soon as they offered it to me I didn't want it anymore. I had just spent the morning playing with Owen and right before they called we were giggling as I fed him some blueberry yogurt. I was thinking, 'why would I leave this to go back to work?'. Not long after the phone rang. R and I discussed everything, pros and cons, future and present, plans and ideas, and we decided I should accept it. So it's back to work I go.

At least the job is something I want, it is a GOOD opportunity. I am getting additional insurance licensure, I will be promoted within a year, I can have a flexible schedule (which I love - as long as I work between 7am and 6pm totalling 40 hours they are happy), the benefits are amazing and I can get pregnant again :) But it is taking me away from my sweet boy.

I feel like these last few months I have had the honor of being a stay at home mom, I have learned more about myself, my strength and patience, and more importantly I have learned about my son. I know what he likes to eat, how he wants to be held, what he wants to play with. I have seen him trying to crawl (which he better master before I head back on the 25th, lol!), pulling up, I have kissed the bumps when pulling up didn't go so well and I have rocked him to sleep twice a day. I now have to send him back to daycare, which is alright, we know them and love them, and Owen loves going. But it is so hard to think 'Ok, next week is my last one here all day', it is hard to think about having a boss other than my cute, chubby, demanding baby boy. I will miss this face ALL DAY LONG.

I hope I am making the right choice.

Sleep.... what's that?

2010-01-15T18:34:00.000-08:00

I don't know what it is, I don't know if it is teething, I don't know if he doesn't feel well, maybe it's the sense of mobility that he seems to be grasping lately, but the boy DOES NOT NAP. We have gone from 2 naps a day totaling 3 - 4 hours, to one 30 minute nap if I am lucky. As soon as I put him down he rolls on to his stomach and he pops up to sit and play. I can't even give him his lovey, or put his blanket on him. I usually leave the room and give him a bit to see if he will settle himself down to sleep, and he never does.

Tonight was the first night of not going down for bed. We hardly ever have any issues with bedtime, we have a routine and stick with it, and he goes to sleep. Tonight he would not go down. He just cried and cried, we tried everything. Rocking, more bottle, another book, and so on... Nothing worked. Finally I just turned the light down all the way and shut the door, and he screamed. I went back in a few minutes later and the poor baby was sitting in the corner of his crib with tears just running down his face. We brought him downstairs for snuggles for a bit, made a new bottle and he finally fell asleep. Why is this happening now???

I honestly think it is half he can sit himself up now, pull up and almost crawl so he is more interested in doing that than sleeping. The other half is teething. He is happy when he is not in his crib and he can play and nom on stuff all day. He has been chewing on everything, even grabbing my hand to chew on my fingers and drooling a ton, so I think we have some more teeth on the way. Hopefully this changes soon or I am going to lose my mind!

OMG I need discipline... and strength

2010-01-12T08:05:00.000-08:00

R and I FINALLY decided on a plan that would work for both of us. I will finish getting my MBA and next fall there is a night/weekend RN program at the community college not 10 miles from our house. I want to be more on a business side of nursing - Case Manager, Administrator or do something in Pharmaceuticals, etc... and having an MBA will help with that. And in case something happens and I get screwed for the 50th time and can't get my RN, then at least I have the MBA.

Problem is, I am HATING my MBA classes. I was fortunate enough that my undergrad university began offering their MBA online last year and I could pick up where I left off. I signed up for 3 classes this semester and I think I might have to stab myself in the eye. It is AWFUL. I look at my assignments and then promptly go read a blog, or get on Facebook, or get on the nest. I cannot focus for the life of me. I want to get my MBA, and in doing this I actually can defer my existing student loans for a bit so that money is going to go towards paying off R's car and my car. But I just have no desire to do any work ::cringe:: I can't believe how freaking lazy I am. I see that I have a 6 page paper due every week with a 25 page paper due at the end of class and I just groan and close the screen.

And it isn't like I have no time. Owen naps 2 - 3 hours a day, he is in bed by 7:30 so I have all night, R helps out when home. I just don't want to do it. I think I might drop one class and just do 2 to ease back into it. Blah, I need to go start working on my paper.

On the Prowl

2010-01-11T18:04:00.000-08:00

I am officially searching for a new OB/GYN. Mine was ok, if you recall in some of my previous posts I always felt as though I was a burden to the nurses and was a little frustrated with how my PIH was handled. I called today to get some advice and possibly schedule an appointment, and got a lot of crap from the nurse who answered the nurse line (who I also dealt with a lot while pregnant). Finally after telling me she would call me back, someone else called me to tell me that they couldn't help me until my balance was paid. What balance? No one told me I owed money, no letters, no phone calls, nothing. I ask what it's for and don't get any specifics. I say I can pay now, only to be told it is in collections and I have to go through them. Straw that broke the camels back. I just kept thinking, what if I had called to tell them I was pregnant? Would they still turn me away? They said they wouldn't tell me anything over the phone, or make an appointment until my balance was paid.

So I have begun the search for a new OB. I had a couple in mind and have spent about an hour looking at everyone's websites and reading dr. bios. I am going to call one tomorrow and see if I can get an appointment and get a feel for things. I would really like to have a practice before I get pregnant again, and know what to expect going in. I want someone who has experience in high risk and IF patients, and I need someone who will be patient with my anxiety.

I also called my RE today and left a message for the nurse line. I got a call back pretty quick and explained that I wasn't sure what to do. I want to TTC in less than a year, I don't know if they want me to bother trying naturally or avoid until we are ready and then go back on Clomid/estrogen. The nurse was awesome and said that we should just come on in and sit down with Dr. S to make a game plan. She had nothing for January, and her February schedule wasn't available yet, so I can call their other location (which I may do tomorrow) or just wait another week. I am in no real rush since we aren't TTC for a bit.

It is so crazy to think about having a child, and not feel this urge to HURRY and get pregnant. Not feel the dread at another cycle, what is wrong with my body, what will work, etc. I know I can get pregnant, I know I can have a full term child, I know I can make it through and it makes such a difference in my attitude and mentality. I am still scared out of my mind at going through it again, but excited at the same time. But hopefully, I can get a new OB that I like lined up and ready to go for when baby #2 is on the way!

I love a good deal!

2010-01-10T14:39:00.001-08:00

One thing I LOVE is saving money. I love walking out of a store knowing I made out well. Harris Teeter is an awesome grocery store that every once in a while offers triple coupons (up to .99) and super doubles (up to $1.98). Today was a super doubles day and I made the trek up to HT, because of course there are none where I live. I scored everything below for...

$29.00 and walked away with a savings of $37.00. It doesn't look like much, but just the non food stuff with no coupons would have been well over $10. 6 2 pack containers of baby food, rice, spaghetti, shrimp scampi, soup, 10 containers of yogurt for $2.00 - one sale at HT with a $1.00 coupon doubled. Lysol wipes were 2 for $4, I had a $1 off coupon doubled, so I scored them for free. And so on.... I love saving some money!

I Feel like a Failure

2010-01-04T13:17:00.001-08:00

I don't know what it is, but when it comes to Owen I feel like such a failure. The only thing I hoped for from the minute I dreamed of having a child is for that child to be healthy. I ate right, took care of myself, there is no history of family illnesses or diseases, I did all the screenings, everything. From Day 1 there has been something. From the rough delivery and NICU stay to the jaundice, colic and reflux, NF diagnosis, constant streptococcal pneumonia bacteria in his nose, not babbling on time, etc... It just gets to you after a point.

We had Owen's 9 month appointment today and while I love going to see how big he is, I kind of dread them because I know they ask a ton of questions and make me paranoid. Of course, I walked out today with a referral for physical therapy evaluation. Owen doesn't push himself up to sit from laying down. Ever. Not that he ever really tries, he is super happy to be on his belly and is constantly moving, but it is still "worrisome". Oh, and he doesn't crawl still so they worry about that, although it isn't a milestone. I just want to scream "GIVE ME A BREAK" as loud as I can sometimes. I knew mom's worried, but I never thought that my stress level would be so high, or I would be so paranoid and concerned over every.little.thing.

It just feels like, what did I do? Or what did I not do? Why isn't he doing this, is it because I haven't worked with him on it? Did I cause it? I feel like I don't know what to do somedays, I don't know how to be a mom. I love my child more than anything and can protect and feed him, but other than that, how much am I messing him up? Am I slowing him down, is daycare better for him? I HATE THIS, and I am sitting here crying because I just want to have a normal, healthy baby. And it feels like it will never happen. There will never be a point where I don't have to take him to the pediatrician for some illness or another, or to the geneticist, or optometrist, or specialists, or therapists. It will never end, and I will just feel like more and more of a failure as a mom.

ETA: Stats - 19 pounds 13.5 ounces (40%), 27.5 inches long (20%) and head circumference is 47cm (75%)

Please Pardon the Dust

2010-01-03T18:07:00.001-08:00

I am making some changes to the blog, such as the layout and name. But I am also kind of changing what this blog is about. I feel like there is so much other stuff I want to talk about but should not or can not because it is our parenting/pregnancy/baby blog. So I will be changing some of that in posts to come. I will still blog mostly about Owen, and our lives but I want the freedom to write what I want and not hear crap about how it's a baby blog.

Anyway, things are kind of a mess, my background sucks, my header sucks and I feel disorganized but I will fix it soon. We have had another death in the family and will be going home this week for a little bit, so it may take me a while to catch up on crap but I will get there.

Annoying Toys

2010-01-02T17:35:00.000-08:00

I suppose we are getting in to the age of annoying toys, which should last oh... the next 10 years or so. Here is one example - the V-Tech 3 in 1 steering wheel. He loves it, it annoys me.

And yet another. This lion has the goofiest laugh and says Roar constantly, then plays reggae style nursery rhymes. Owen LOVES this thing. He is about half an inch too short to push himself along (although he tries and then falls off), so to add to the annoyance is having to bend over and push him all through the house. ALL. DAY. My thighs are burning.

Finally is the Leap Frog Learn N Groove musical table. The lady who did all the voices sure is jazzy. Pop it on the Spanish version and listen to R repeating it 20 times and there is a whole new level of irritation. While I hate these toys, I love that Owen loves them and gets so excited to ride them or play with them. And he is super cute, he is turning in to such a little boy not just a baby anymore.

Awesome toys that we love? His Melissa & Doug Quacker Clacker, which was discontinued and his flash cards of animals with fur on them to touch and explore. He also is enthralled by books, he loves to be read to and then chew on the board books. These we can do :)

New Years Goals

2010-01-01T07:19:00.000-08:00

Every year I like to set some New Year goals. I find I never stick to resolutions, but if I set a goal to work towards I feel great if I accomplish it. This year I made a few:

1. Lose 10 pounds/tone up - I was back to pre pregnancy weight within 10 days of having O, and wearing my pre-pregnancy clothes 5 days after having him. I then lost a few more pounds falling 5 below my pre-pg weight which was awesome. Then I gained some of it back :( I am ok with my weight now, I just want to really get back in shape and make my body look as good as I feel. I wouldn't mind shedding a few pounds, but that is a bonus.

2. Find a job - Right now my job is SAHM and I love it. But, I really want to do some things that require us to have extra income so I am searching around for something. Also, working will give me benefits and FMLA so I can save what I make and get pregnant again the end of this year. But it has to be worth it for me to leave O.

3. Not get caught in drama - I feel like I get caught up in BS all the time. Whether it is family, friends, work, school, etc.... and I get emotionally involved. I don't want to waste time or energy on that anymore.

4. Finish my MBA - :::Sigh::: I have started and stopped my MBA twice, R thinks I should just finish it and then focus on nursing. The community college by our house offers an evening program but only every other year, so I can't go until 2011. It would actually work out well with timing of baby #2, work and everything else. Plus I would like to use my RN to be a Practice Manager, Nurse Supervisor, or the like and having an MBA would be a great advantage. Just the thought of taking Quantitative Analysis of Business makes me want to step in front of a truck, but if it helps our situation and gets me closer to my goal then I will do it.

5. Get crafty - I always have ideas of fun crafts, love to sew, knit and crochet, love to bake and do fun crafts. But I never do, I either forget about them or don't have the materials or can't find time. I want to do finger painting with O and have fun ideas for us to do together. So I am going to find time and find ideas.

6. Get pregnant - enough said

I have some more little ones that I don't feel like putting in here, but hopefully I can strive for these and accomplish them. I hope everyone had a great New Years Eve! We were supposed to go to our neighbors for a party and I couldn't keep my eyes open and didn't feel like dragging Owen out, so we stayed in and watched the ball drop. I think I was in bed by 12:05 and asleep by 12:07 :)

Here is to a wonderful 2010!

Back to Basics

2009-12-28T17:03:00.000-08:00

This blog originally started as our TTTC blog and all that we were going through, then as a pregnancy blog while going through 8 months with Owen, then a somewhat parenting blog. I feel like I have somewhat gone off course with my blog and made it more about me and life, than O or what is going on. And as we approach 2010, I have made my New Year's goals (to be posted later) and one of which is bringing me back to basics with my blog. We will try to get pregnant again in 2010. (GASP!)

Ok, so when we had O the original plan was to wait one year and then discuss TTC plans. Then we fell more and more in love with him every single day and wanted another one, but knew 100% that we wanted to give him at least 1 year of our attention. So we said we will start to TTC in June 2010. The plan was to go back to the RE and do the same protocol as before with Owen (Clomid 50mg days 3-7, estrogen days 8-12). Which worked on the first try and if it happened again would give us babies a little less than 2 years apart. It's December now and the rate at which this year has flown by makes me nervous for June, and babies that close together. It will be here before I know it. So I pushed our plans back to the fall. We have some things going on in our life right now, like trying to figure out schools/career/housing, etc... plus I might have a REALLY great opportunity back in insurance that could make it very simple for us to have a second baby.

So what we have tentatively decided is that we will stop Trying to Avoid in June, and if that doesn't work by December we will go back to the RE. Although I might call our RE and get her opinion. I am TERRIFIED of TTC again without help. We did that before and it ended horribly. And we know that my lining is thin and my LP is all messed up, plus I have the one tube issue. So if I did get pg, it could end up in another miscarriage. I can't do that again. If I have to wait for the RE and do exactly as they say to get another baby, then we will. It just blows my mind to think that this time next year I could be pregnant with #2. And if I got pregnant in late fall/winter next year, Owen and his sibling would be 2.5 years apart, which I think I can handle. I just feel like some things in life need to fall in to place (like if I will be in nursing school or working for an awesome insurance company with amazing benefits). I guess only time will tell.

Christmastime is here...

2009-12-27T07:24:00.000-08:00

This Christmas, our first as a family, was amazing/wonderful/joyous and everything I hoped it would be. We went to Christmas Eve service at church and Owen LOVED the handbells. It was a little touchy with the candlelight hymns, but we dodged him grabbing candles or burning himself. He behaved so well in church.

We woke up Christmas morning and I made our traditional gut busting breakfast. Cinnamon rolls, sausage, bacon, eggs, juice, coffee, toast, oranges and waffles/pancakes on demand. Owen enjoyed watching us eat all the goodies, he stuck to yogurt :)
Finally, it was time to open presents. I really didn't think O would be into it at all, maybe he would like the wrapping paper, but he was reaching for presents and grabbing at the paper trying to rip it open. He giggled and played with everything that he got, he was so happy

His new favorite thing is to scoot himself under the coffee table, and he would take wrapping paper under there and rip it into little pieces. We are still picking up shreds of it

Here is Owen playing with his new block/shape sorter. I think he put every single block in his mouth

Here is Owen's stash, the boy made out like a bandit. For the record, we only bought him 3 things - a book, a toy phone and a Sit and Stride Lion walker-thing. The rest is the family spoiling him.
I hope everyone had a fantastic Christmas and we are so lucky and blessed to have Owen, as well as our wonderful family. Today O is 9 months old and I am just in disbelief that the year has gone so fast. It will be 2010 soon and we will be having a first birthday party, and I am sure that Christmas will be here again before we know it.

SNOW!!!!!

2009-12-24T10:59:00.000-08:00

We were supposed to have family come down this past weekend for Christmas and they got snowed in :( My middle brother and SIL live in Richmond, which is about 2.5 hours from our house, so we decided that we would go to them. Everything was getting plowed and slowly melting, and we figured by the time we got there it would be clear. So we made the trek and had a blast! I was so excited to see Owen in the snow and how he would react. We got to their house and had fun goofing off.

Here is Owen wearing Uncle Chris's hat, we were getting bundled up to head out

Poor Owen was like the kid in A Christmas Story. He could not move anything when he was in his snowsuit. He had on socks, jeans, long sleeve shirt, fleece body suit and then this fleece sonwsuit, a hat and shoes. Poor kid. All he could move was his feet, so we would put him down and he would just rotate his ankles and move his feet in circles. It was hysterical :)

We finally got ready and went for a walk. My brother and SIL live in a beautiful, older part of Richmond and have lots of parks and a lake right by their house. It was a little scary and icy, but worth the walk. It was so beautiful out! We all laid in the snow and played. We tried to show Owen how to make snow angels, but he was so bundled up he couldn't move. He just looked around instead.

Finally, the sun started to go down and we were all cold and tired. We walked back to their house and had a delicious Christmas dinner. Ham, macaroni and cheese casserole, sausage stuffing, rolls, beans, corn, Pinot Noir champagne and apple pie. It was yummy, and so fun to see our family and have them join in O's first Christmas celebration.

Anybody want a free dog, or two?

2009-12-22T08:47:00.000-08:00

I know this post might get a nasty comment, and I am fully prepared, but I have to get it out. The dogs are driving me nuts. BANANAS, CRAZY, BATTY, INSANE. Whew...

We have two dogs - Frank is a 5 year old male Boston Terrier and Izzy is a 7 year old mixed breed. Both are rescue dogs that we have had for about 4 years. Both are super sweet and funny, and great companions. I was a little worried about bringing home Owen, but they were awesome. We did as much as we could to prepare them, introducing them to his nursery, his toys, letting them know to be calm in certain areas, brought home the blanket from the hospital for them to sniff, and when we brought him home they were good. Izzy wanted to nurse him and would just lay next to wherever we put him and roll over on her side. Frank took a week or so to completely calm down around him (and btw, Owen LOVES him some Frank. He could giggle at him all day and just watching Frank breathe is the best entertainment ever).

There have been no issues with the dogs and Owen. Until recently. Not so much Izzy, she is pretty laid back and will hang out under the dining room table all day if we let her. But Frank.... Frank is another story. We started noticing some pee a month or so ago, on the corner of the doorway upstairs. We tried to catch him in action, but never could. It kept happening, and we can not figure out when he is doing it. Then we noticed pee in the corner where we keep Owen's toys (off the ground in a basket on a shelf), then more pee upstairs. Then he was trying to pee on Owen's jumperoo and Owen's toys when they are out. I can't even put Owen on the floor anymore because I am worried there is pee. We have no clue when Frank is doing this, we keep an eye on him at all times, and we even started locking him up at night in his kennel so he couldn't sneak out of the bedroom and pee. Still finding fresh pee everywhere. There is no bladder problem as per the vet, and he has been house trained since we got him. But seriously, I can't have him peeing on all of Owen's stuff.

The worst is I can't even stand to be on the ground because EVERYTHING smells like pee. It is disgusting. We have used the Spot Bot, we have steam cleaned, we check every day for new marks, we take him out ever 2 hours, it doesn't matter. We still find pee, and how the heck is he doing this?!?!?! Anyways, it is driving me up the wall. Everything goes in Owen's mouth, so what if Frank pees on something that we don't notice and Owen tries to eat it? I love the dog, but he is killing me. We have talked to the vet, a trainer, friends who had similar issues, tried everything. Still peeing in the house. Do you know something? I hate the smell of pee, especially dried dog pee that I CANNOT find for the life of me. I know he peed somewhere downstairs, I can smell it when on the floor playing with O, but I can't find the spot to clean.

What really baffles me is why now? Why mark his territory when O has been here for 9 months (holy cow, how is it 9 months already?), and why where he is doing it? I just want it to stop, or seriously, I am sending him home with my Dad. I just envision Owen crawling and putting his hand down in fresh pee that Frank mysteriously left behind. Or turning my back for 10 seconds and Frank pees on the toy Owen is reaching for and then Owen putting it in his mouth. ((((gag)))) I just want it to stop, I can't constantly be looking for and cleaning up pee. Anybody want a formerly housebroken, spastic and crazy Boston Terrier?

(Even in this picture, he is plotting on how to piss on my leg without me noticing. Sneaky, I tell you)

Somebody saw Santa Claus

2009-12-17T14:38:00.000-08:00

Who is this big boy smiling away in Santa's lap? I cannot believe Owen is almost 9 months old, where has this year gone?!

A whole mess of change

2009-12-14T11:02:00.000-08:00

It seems like things change around here on a daily basis. Between Owen growing up and looking different every time I glance at him to our jobs, to even our families, things are changing. One thing that has definitely set some gears in motion for major change is me staying home. We both agree that we like me being home and taking care of Owen. We also both agree that when I go back to work, it has to be somewhere flexible, or have the ability to have a flexible schedule. And I have made it very clear to R that I am not going back to work for just any old job, I want to do something I WANT to do. If I have to be away from Owen all day, it better be worth it. So we might be moving to Charlotte, lol.

The one thing I have wanted to be my whole life is a doctor, which is obviously never going to happen. Next best thing is a nurse. I started out college in the nursing program, but due to lack of resources and a crappy school, there was a 3 year waiting list to even start the actual nursing curriculum so I said screw it and changed majors. Man, I could kick myself SO hard for doing that! So here I am, a few years later and I hate that I am not doing anything that I want to do. We have been discussing the possibility of me going back to school for nursing, but here's the head scratcher. In the Raleigh-Durham area, and even stretching out an hour or more east and west, for a total of 10 schools, including 3 community colleges, not a single one has an evening program. None. So I would have to put Owen in daycare while I went to school all day and we can't afford that. It was driving me insane. I checked out Charlotte and there is a school with an evening program for 27 months, or a full time day program for only 12 months. After going back and forth, and a lot of discussion, I think we might suck it up and go for it.

Nothing is decided, other than there is nothing here. We are still talking it over and going through logistics, plus the whole sell our house in a crappy economy thing is kind of bringing us down. But, we know some changes have to be made. Once I get my RN, I can get my MSN and be a NP or CRNA, which I would love. And R has made the wise decision to either get his MBA or sit for the CPA exam. I just want to have good, stable jobs and useful degrees. I want to be able to put O in private school, go on vacation, and have more children. And none of that will happen unless we make some change.

A Moment I have been waiting for....

2009-12-06T17:53:00.000-08:00

Today we went and picked out our Christmas Tree. This was HUGE for me. Last year I hit viability right around Christmas and I remember thinking that this could actually happen. We went and got our tree and we were both so excited, talking about how this time next year we would have an 8 month old, this time next year we will be coming with a happy little boy to pick out a tree that will stand in our living room for his first Christmas. And now that time is here.

We showed up to the tree "farm", which the nicest couple from Boone, NC runs.

Owen and I contemplated the perfect tree, inspecting it for flaws and bent branches

Owen decided he approved, and we knew it was just right

We packed it up, brought it home and R had the task of setting it up in the stand (I think it is leaning a little bit, but that's ok :) ) O decided he wanted to help put up some lights and decorate the tree.

I think he did a good job...
My heart could burst, I am just so happy to have my family for our first Christmas.

Christmas Shopping...check!

2009-12-04T14:12:00.001-08:00

I have been struggling to think of things to get Owen for Christmas. I don't want to get him a lot because he won't appreciate or understand it now, and also his birthday will be in 3 months so I will have to have something for then, too. We asked family for books, and gave the grandparents each one specific item that would be nice to have if they felt like getting it, but nothing over $30.

I hit WalMart on a mission today and that was to get Owen's shopping done with. I walked away with a Sit and Stride walker since he's starting to pull up, a book of 100 first words that was awesome, a play V-Tech phone and blocks. And he's done :) I still need to get him a stocking (no clue what to put in that) and his first ornament. I didn't want a lot, O doesn't need a lot and I am happy with what I spent. I know some people get very excited and go all out, buy lots of Christmas outfits and toys, but I also know that Owen will be more interested in the wrapping paper.

I just reread this and kind of sound like a Scrooge, lol. Don't get me wrong, I can NOT wait for his first Christmas. My family is coming down the weekend before and we have a big dinner (which I recreate for us on Christmas Eve), and on the day we have a HUGE breakfast, stay in pj's and watch movies. I know he won't remember it, but I will and I want to keep it the way R and I have always done Christmas, which is low key and cozy.

Now I just have to figure out what to get R.....

Home, but not quite settled

2009-12-01T17:51:00.000-08:00

We made it home late Saturday night and have been trying to get life back to normal. Somewhere along the travels our dogs picked up fleas. Frank had about 5, Izzy had more than 40. It was a disgusting mess and it involved spending our Sunday buying various de-fleaing tools, and scrubbing the house and cars. Plus we had a lovely visit to the pediatrician.

Owen has been digging in his ears for a while, and last ped visit 2 weeks ago chalked it up to teething. We left for Delaware thinking no big deal, and O proceeded to dig in his ears so much he was starting to get scratches. Then the night before Thanksgiving I noticed pus, so I called the on call doctor and was told it was most likely ear wax, there was no fever, it could wait until next week. On the ride home Saturday, I decide that he is messing with his ears so much that he is uncomfortable and I get an appointment for the next morning. We see a NP who decides it is swimmers ear, and takes a look at some marks on his hand, chest and cheek chalking it up to some infected flea bites or possibly impetigo.

Fast forward to today. R calls me in the morning to let me know that his ear is bleeding more and they noticed it at drop off at daycare this morning (yes, I am working part time at a craphole job for some extra cash). I call daycare throughout the day and they say he is acting happy and fine, still bleeding, can't tell where it's coming from. I decide to make one more appointment and get one of the heads of the practice. I pick him up and take him in, where the dr. proceeds to tell me it's either a burst ear drum or a major ear infection. Turns out it's neither. He hems and haws, asks questions about his NF and I tell him about our last visits for this issue. So what could the problem be?

MRSA. He is 99% sure, definitely staph infection in his ear and that is what the skin issue is. So I freak out and he tells me no worries, go about normal business, go to daycare, and add another med to the concoction of Omnicef, ear drops and skin cream. Owen seems fine, so I guess we will see what the swab says in a couple days and keep him on the meds.

Hopefully life will settle down in a few days and we can get back to normal. Or our new version of normal.

Judgmental

2009-11-29T09:03:00.000-08:00

Recently, I got some comments from a family member about the use of a pacifier and me not nursing. It really irritated me to have this woman who doesn't know me (she's an IL) and what we have been through and the things I do, to make these side comments to me. And I realized a) how much I HATE snarky people who just want to make people feel bad in order to feel better about themselves, and b) that I am also judgmental.

I definitely judge other moms, whether I know them or not. I can't help it, I am sure all mothers do it whether they admit it or not. I don't think I am a better mom or my way is the right and only way. I do believe that whatever works for your family is what is best. But there are some things that I see that truly make me cringe and there are some moms that I don't think are good moms. I feel bad for these thoughts that run through my head, but I can't help it. I never say anything to anyone about it.

But then that made me think, how am I different from this awful woman who made comments at me? She just said what she was thinking out loud, and is my keeping my comments to myself better? To me, YES. Why criticize someone for something, or make them feel bad if you truly think they are doing their best? And especially someone I don't know. So, am I as awful as this woman, or is this normal?

Thanksgiving, daycare, and death

2009-11-25T07:44:00.000-08:00

Sorry to have not blogged in 2 weeks. There was a death in my family that sent us back up to Delaware for a while and we are staying with my mom - who was the Slowest.Internet.Ever. Seriously, dial up is faster. But anyway, my grandmother passed away, which has been hard on my whole family due to some background that I won't get in to. R and I are amending our wills as soon as we get home is all I will say. But, as sad as the funeral was, it was an opportunity to see all of my family including my brothers from Virginia and Arizona. Most of the family has never met Owen, so it was wonderful for them to see my grumpy, fussy boy. TWO TEETH!!! And I think there may be more in the works, but that is the reason for fuss. And he honestly was not that bad at all. Still flashed his little smile at everyone that looked at him (in his cords, button down shirt and sweater vest - CUTE!). While it has been difficult, I am glad that my grandmother got to see O once, on a special trip we made up in August to visit her.

We came up last Wednesday and are staying through Saturday for the Thanksgiving holiday, and I am so excited for Owen's first Thanksgiving. He is going to get some good eats at all our Thanksgivings we are going to. He is doing so well with solids, he loves food. Mostly ours, not so much the baby food, but he eats it. More family that has never seen him will be meeting him on Thanksgiving, so fingers crossed the teeth won't be bothering him too much and he will be his happy, smiling self. I know that us being here has been wonderful for my Mom and she loves every minute she gets with him. She has even babysat twice so we could have time alone and we definitely have taken advantage. We went shopping, out for ice cream at Friendly's, and to see New Moon (poor R, but he sucked it up - and it was amazing. I am seeing again for sure). It has been great to have a week solid of all 3 of us.

In other news, I have been offered a job that would be in the evenings/weekends so I could still stay home with O but make some extra money. Nothing exciting, no career opportunities, but a job. The 5 week training starts Monday and is from 7-3, so Owen is back in daycare for at least 5 weeks. And I have a major interview next week for an AMAZING opportunity, actually doing something I would be interested in. But, that would put me back to 8-5 Monday through Friday. And just the thought kills me, I want to be home with Owen. So we have some decisions to make on what to do now and what is more important. I am kind of excited for Owen to go to daycare, because he loves other babies and playtime, he loved his teachers and he will be back in the same room for now. The only thing that sucks is we have such a good routine, I have to be sure they try to stick with it.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Thanksgiving and I will update and post some pictures when we get home. O is going to be 8 months on Friday, which blows my mind. So we might go see Santa with my parents so they can see him get his picture taken, and I will be back this weekend!

When will I stop?

2009-11-11T18:26:00.000-08:00

I feel like every time we go to the pediatrician, something else gets brought up and I feel like Owen is behind. It's hard enough that I compare him to other babies (I know, I KNOW, I shouldn't do this, and I try really hard not to or at least not take it seriously), but to have the pediatrician mention something always throws me off. Owen is not babbling.

I was so upset when I got home and googled (evil!) and realized that it is a 6 month milestone. I am not quite sure what constitutes babbling, he definitely coos and makes noise, but there are not a lot of consonant sounds like babababa or dadadada. So then I worry that he has something wrong with him and won't talk. I am thinking of contacting Early Intervention, I am 99% sure that with his NF we receive free services from the state and if I can get a speech language pathologist for free, then I may as well.

Then I worry about it being my fault that he isn't babbling, or crawling, yet because we took him out of daycare and he isn't around other babies. He has always been a pretty quiet baby, even when crying he is quiet. I plan on calling the pediatrician back tomorrow and get some clarification and seeing if I do need to be concerned. We will also be keeping Sesame Street and kids shows on in the background while playing, and I am getting Babytalk by Dr. Ward to get some ideas on communicating better with him.

I hate that I am so concerned with things like this. But it's hard when all the friends I speak to with kids his age are crawling, pulling themselves up, squealing and babbling. I just want Owen to be normal, healthy and happy, and being so emotional lately certainly doesn't help my overthinking things and worry.

In other news, Owen has a TOOTH!!!! His bottom left one is finally poking though. You can barely see it, but you can feel it :)

A Follow Up to my PPD post

2009-11-10T06:31:00.001-08:00

Back in May I wrote about how I thought I had PPD, and went to my OB to talk and then I just left it at that. I never really got into what was going on, and it was not PPD but more of a Post Partum Anxiety issue and my OB prescribed Lexapro. I have been on Lexapro since then and I hate it. I don't even like to take Tylenol, let alone anti-depressants, so with the guidance of my dr I am weaning myself off the Lexapro. Who knows if it actually helped me feel better, or if going back to work and Owen losing the colic/reflux/angriness made it better, but I was back to normal for the most part.

The Lexapro kicked my ass. Apparently it just takes whatever emotions you are feeling, puts them on pause until you stop taking it and unleashes an all holy hell. I have been crying almost every day, that crazy hormonal newborn love is back in full force. I went into O's room last night when he was sleeping, picked him up, rocked him and just cried. I keep worrying about kids making fun of him at school for his NF, I cry at how big he is getting and growing up, I cry because I can't imagine anything more perfect than him, I cry for him, crap I am crying right now typing it. I have always since day one had this hugely intense love for Owen. I am fiercely protective of him, I of course think he is the greatest thing ever. But it's like the Lexapro was just holding back part of the emotions, or maybe it's just my body leveling out and getting it out of my system. I should probably call my OB.

The good thing is I have zero anxiety or depression. Just emotional and I feel like a nutbag because of it. I am worried that my OB might try to put me back on the Lexapro or switch to something else, but I don't want to because it makes me feel gross. And honestly, I don't want to be on anything at all because I want to give my body a chance to recalibrate and be back to normal before we start TTC again in less than a year. Hopefully it will all level out soon and I can feel like myself again!

Thank you, thank you very much...

2009-11-09T06:45:00.000-08:00

I received an award from JRS over at Planned Spontaneity and I am so flattered! I am Back in the Saddle again after IF and loss to being a new mom and adjusting to staying at home.

Background: This award is given to bloggers that are "Back in the Saddle" of life. This may be someone who is undergoing medical treatments, restarting his/her life, resurfacing after a tragedy, or someone who is just trying to sport a new attitude. Recipients have an attitude of a fighter, strive to be a winner of the battle, and show determination.

Rules: Post the award's graphic, background, and rules on your blog. Explain how you are "Back in the Saddle" again, and then pass the award on to at least four other bloggers who are "Back in the Saddle" just like you. Make sure you let them know that they have been given this award, and ask them to pass it on.

It is hard to pick 4 people to nominate because I am inspired by all the blogs that I read! I think I have to go with:

Callie at Yet Another Weight Loss Blog - She is so amazing and has done an awesome job at getting into running and finishing her first half marathon! I am so inspired by her dedication to exercise and trying to be a better and more fit person.

Katie at When Hello Means Goodbye - Reading through her loss and struggles with her health in the past year, to adopting such a beautiful boy and being healthy again she definitely deserves this award.

Busted Babymaker - After losing her twins, to going through IVF again, to a rocky pregnancy and finally bringing home her sweet baby boy and dealing with all the changes in her life she is Back in the Saddle. Her blog always makes me smile, but also think.

Meredith at Savannah Banana - Mere is such a good person and has gone through so much to not only have Savannah, but deal with being a new mom and the unexpected issue that have come up with Savannah's eating, weight gain, reflux, and so much more.

All the blogs are fantastic, and I am so honored to be given this award and be able to pass it on!

My heart...

2009-11-06T12:33:00.000-08:00

It just aches when I look at him. He is the most precious and wonderful thing that has ever happened to me and I can't believe he is mine.

First Hall-O-Ween

2009-11-01T06:06:00.001-08:00

I have never been a big fan of Halloween, but it seems like now that I have a child and get to celebrate it with him it was so much fun. We went to a fall festival at R's work where everyone was in costume and there was food and games. It was fun, but O was still too small to do anything, so we walked and looked at everyone. Owen was a fierce dragon:

But it was so hot that we came prepared to take the costume off. He also went a little more casual as a skeleton:

I didn't dress up for the festival, but I did dress up to answer the door and walk over to our neighbor's party.

We didn't have too many trick or treaters and there is a TON of candy left, but I can't wait for next year and Owen gets in to it and maybe we can trick or treat. Hope everyone had a safe and happy Halloween!

Vaccines

2009-10-29T18:27:00.000-07:00

One thing that has been stressing me out has been vaccines. What vaccines do we skip, what do we stretch out, what is necessary, and so on. I have read most of Dr. Sears book, but I still feel like I need more opinions, I need to know more. So far, I have followed my pediatrician's advice and guidance and gone with the normal schedule. They didn't even give me a choice in the hospital and gave him his HepB shot, and I just went from there. We have had no issues with shots at all. He might cry for 10 seconds and then he sleeps the rest of the day.

Well, tomorrow we are getting the H1N1 vaccine. Yes, both of us. This is something new, this is something that has become a pandemic and it scares the bejeezus out of me. With his NF and his crappy immune system, as well as it seems like more and more people I know getting it, I figured we should go ahead and get it. Then came the task of finding it. I asked my pediatrician and they are on a wait, they applied for the vaccine and still have not heard anything. I called other pediatricians, clinics, followed leads and rumors and today it paid off. We got appointments with the health department, which is even better than a walk in - which I know would be packed.

I am so terrified though, who knows what kind of side effects or long term effects this could have on him? I talked to his pediatrician about this thoroughly and she conferred with the geneticist and it was decided that he definitely needed it. I just pray that this is the best decision and we are all ok. I just have this horrible, morbid thought that if he got the swine flu (God forbid) he wouldn't be able to shake it. He had a random daycare stomach bug for SIX WEEKS! Diarrhea for SIX WEEKS, people. Nothing else going on with him, no exposure to anything, just not able to shake the bug. Just like he was congested for FOUR MONTHS. Jeez. Fingers crossed for us both that we don't have any reactions and everything goes smoothly tomorrow.

Staying Home

2009-10-26T07:35:00.000-07:00

I have been home with Owen a little over a month now and it has been great so far. I was really concerned and nervous to be home with him because of my maternity leave experience. I had to remind myself that he is a completely different baby than he was a few months ago. He is so happy and laid back, plus he is so much more fun! Back on leave he was colicky, had reflux and couldn't be put down. A lot has changed.

We are in a pretty good routine now where we get up, play, we both eat our breakfast - Owen gets a bottle and I eat something quick. We have just started having O sit at the table with me at breakfast and try to eat some puree or yogurt melts. He goes down for a good 1 -1 .5 hour nap 2 hours around 10, then he eats again and we play and I eat lunch while O eats some puffs. The afternoon is the hardest with nap time, it takes about an hour for him to sleep and he is fussy, but I know it's because he is overtired, so I am trying to figure out if he needs 3 naps instead of 2. We usually go for a walk and then I start dinner while he plays.

There are definite pros and cons to being home. I get to see him doing things I would miss if her was still in daycare, like trying to crawl and sitting up playing. I have him in a decent routine, I get snuggles all day and get to hang out with my lovie. But it is hard sometimes to feel like I am not in a rut, I am trying to get better about making an effort to look nice and maybe do my hair or put on makeup so R doesn't come home to a frumpy wife. Sometimes I just need adult conversation, and the hardest part is the money factor. I need to work part time eventually so we can have some extra but we are budgeted to the penny and there is no vacations, dinners out or new clothes in the future.

I am happy to be home, but it is hard work!

It's Official

2009-10-18T07:47:00.000-07:00

My birthday yesterday was the worst.birthday.EVER. You may remember last year I had a wonderful day, this year... not so much. I don't ever expect a lot, there was nothing I really wanted, I don't make my birthday a big deal. But I do expect cake of any kind, even if it is a slice from a bakery; a card, maybe dinner out or made for me. This was my day:

Wake up - R took O and went to get my card and cake. Yes, on my birthday because he "had no time" to do it earlier. Because my birthday isn't on the same day every year and he didn't just have 5 days to himself last weekend while we were gone.

Get the mail - letter letting me know I didn't get the job I wanted and our CD of 6 month pictures completely smashed from the mail. Proceed to cry.

Go to the state fair where we sit in traffic for an hour, park a mile away, walk around, get disappointed, eat some fried crap and listen to R complain about feeling sick. Leave.

Go to look at cars because I am almost a week without a car. Found one I like but the dealer is closed and R doesn't like it. Go back to Honda to look at Accords. Decide to get one, do everything and get approved, told I can't have the car until at least Monday because we have to wait for Honda Finance to open and verify the terms.

Owen is fussy, R is pissy and I am just annoyed, it is now 7:30 and we are hungry. R asks what I am cooking for dinner and I think a blood vessel exploded in my temple. I really don't want to cook my own dinner on my birthday? I would have been happy with McDonald's, anything as long as he realized that I shouldn't have to cook on my bday - he could have cooked. Tell R to stop at Buffalo Wild Wings so I can get a wrap.

Get home at 8:30 and put O to bed, eat dinner at 9. R gets out the cake he bought, which I have been telling him for weeks that all I wanted was a chocolate cake/vanilla ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins. Cut into cake. Chocolate cake, COOKIES N CREAM (gross) ice cream. Start to cry a little again. R can't find any candles, so I just eat my cake part and lay on sofa. Go to bed at 10.

Major suckage. I told him today that I don't expect a lot or really anything for my birthday, but for him to at least remember my day in advance and make an effort to make it a nice day. Which it definitely was not. Even if he made a card and grilled chicken or something, that would have been nice. I know this is whiny and lots of people get nothing for their birthday, but it's my blog so I will complain. I guess I expect too much, I always go all out and try to make every birthday/fathers day/holiday super special and fun for him and I will do the same for Owen and any other children. It just really sucked.

It still hurts

2009-10-13T08:06:00.000-07:00

Owen and I went home to Delaware this past weekend to spend some time with my mom and dad. We had a blast and it was great to just hang out and relax with them. We went to the beach, my grandparents house, out to dinner, shopping, the apple orchard and pumpkin patch. On our last night there we went to dinner at a steakhouse I love and on the way there we drove by the hospital. I looked back at Owen and told him he would have been born there if we still lived in DE and then it hit me.

It has been almost TWO years since our first loss. Two years ago on the 7th I found out I was pregnant for the first time. And it led to that hospital for 3 days where I had my tube removed and all the drama and emotional rollercoaster that began our TTTC journey. I couldn't even look at the hospital because I had all these memories of going in there and what happened. It was awful, and I feel even worse because I allowed myself to forget about it. It is wonderful to have Owen and he makes it all worth it. I mean, if everything hadn't happened to us, would we still have Owen? But it is still hard to think about it, even with our blessing.

I love fall

2009-10-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

Fall has always been my favorite time of year, and October is my favorite month. I love the leaves changing, the cooler weather, the beautiful days, sleeping with the windows open, fall decorations, pumpkin muffins/pie/bread/lattes. I just love everything about fall and this time of year. And I am so happy that I get to share it with Owen. We went to a pumpkin patch (which was really SO much more than a pumpkin patch) last weekend.

We went on a hayride to the pumpkin patch where we had Owen's 6 month pictures taken. We saw the petting zoo and pony rides, we saw the mazes and hay jump, the giant slide and all the fun stuff that was available. Owen had a blast, I guess we had never put him in grass before so he was touching everything, looking around, picking up grass and dirt. He LOVED the pumpkins

We took some more photos and had some fun before heading home to watch football.

I think Owen will love fall, too. And going to the pumpkin patch every year. When he can eat real food, I know he will love my pumpkin chocolate chip bread and pumpkin pie. I will love having fires in the fireplace and wearing warm pajamas. Fall is just the most magical and best time of year.

6 Months Old!

2009-09-27T17:24:00.000-07:00

Where has 6 months gone? I can't believe my baby boy has already been with us half a year. It has flown by and been so amazing. He is now eating solids like a champ, sitting up without help for a few minutes at a time, he LOVES to stand (with help, of course). He is so curious, everything goes right in the mouth and he reaches for everything to check it out. We have his 6 month appointment on Tuesday, so I will know his stats then.

I just love the little man so much. He changes every single day. He discovers something new, tries something new, makes a new sound or movement. The other day he rolled completely around the room while wrapping himself in a blanket and screaming with joy - I think I laughed for 20 minutes. I remember this day 6 months ago and the change is incredible, both physical, emotional and I am still in disbelief that my love continues to grow - I didn't think there was any room.

We have a mover!

2009-09-21T17:35:00.001-07:00

I am not quite sure what to call it. He isn't crawling, he's not scooting... it's more like pushing off maybe? He rolls on to his belly, pushes himself up and kicks his legs like he is swimming. After a minute of this he lays on his face, tucks his arms under him, gets his legs under his body and pushes - voila! He scoots up a few inches. I think we may have a crawler in a month or so, which is unbelievable.

Baby Led Weaning

2009-09-20T17:04:00.000-07:00

Owen is not a fan of purees. At all. We waited until he was about 4.5 - 5 months before we started trying solids and he HATED it. He would cry whenever the spoon touched his tongue and any food that would make it in his mouth he just spit right out and screamed. So we would wait a couple days and try again. We did rice cereal, which has been in his bottle since 2 months for reflux, and he would not eat it. Oatmeal, peaches, squash and peas all got the same response. I talked to our pediatrician and she told me that some babies just skip purees and it was normal.

I did some research and saw on some message boards Baby Led Weaning, and we decided to give it a try. The thing is, Owen is definitely interested in food. He watches us the whole time we are eating and reaches for our food, he mimics us while we eat, he can sit up, he can grab, he is double his birth weight, so we went for it. The research that I have done shows that BLW helps the baby learn textures, how to feed themselves, and makes them part of the family since you essentially feed them what you are eating. Friday night I made some broccoli and we had some rolls, so I let O have a couple pieces of broccoli and a roll and he was loving it. Grabbing and licking, trying to get it in his mouth, smiling. The first time he had food in his mouth and didn't spit it out and cry. We did it again tonight with broccoli and bread and he did great.

I am going to just do one meal a day for a while, it isn't like he is eating very much anyway, and stick with the one food for a couple days to check for allergies. But I like the fact that he is interested and he is eating. It has been so much fun, and the dogs are loving it - they get to catch what he drops :) I will have to post some pictures soon, it's adorable.

Well, I did it

2009-09-17T16:31:00.000-07:00

I gave my notice and tomorrow is my last day at my job. HALLELUJAH and I don't think I can say it enough. It's a shame because it truly is a great company I work for, just my boss is evil. Like, she has to hide her pitchfork in her purse and comb her hair up to cover her horns kind of evil. I have my exit interview tomorrow afternoon and needless to say, I can't wait. It's so funny, because people found out I was leaving and all I heard is "congrats! So excited for you", "good for you getting away from her", and "I was going to say sorry to see you go, but it's a good thing for you". Yeah, that tells you something.

The other thing that has happened is people I work with are referring me jobs. It is awesome, I have already sent my resume out to a ton of places. I want to stay home with O, I am looking forward to it, but I am keeping my options open and if the right thing comes up I will take it. The plan is that Owen is still in daycare for 2 weeks because we had to give notice and then he will be out with me full time. I am looking for some part time stuff for nights or weekends and we are all set. I can't wait to be home with him, but I am scared at the same time that I will get burnt out or bored. I can't really imagine that happening because of how active he is and all the playgroups and activities around here, but it still frightens me.

Oh well, let the wonderful adventure of my new life begin!

R's dream come true

2009-09-13T17:35:00.001-07:00

If you know R, then you know that I am a football widow. R lives, breathes and eats NFL. From training camp and preseason through to the Super Bowl and even checking updates on players in the off season, he LOVES football. Whenever we would talk about kids, he would say he couldn't wait to teach them about football. When we found out we were having a boy, R couldn't believe it. He would always say how excited he was to show O football, teach him the love of the sport, the logistics, the Eagles and especially the Broncos.

Well today, NFL officially started. I dressed O appropriately in his football onesie (although I bought a cute Broncos onesie online and it didn't ship on time so we settled with this look for the day). And R got his dream to sit with his boy and teach him about football. We don't like Owen to watch TV, because the results are the dead eyed blank stare and you can't rip his attention away - as seen below when R showed him the game.

So O didn't really technically watch football today, but he snuggled with his daddy while R told him about buttonhooks, John Elway and the love of the game. It was awesome.

Mompetition

2009-09-07T16:37:00.000-07:00

One of the great things while I was pregnant was that I was able to enjoy it along with TONS of my friends. I would say a good 20 other girls - real life friends, work friends, forum friends, even some neighbors - were pregnant and due around the same time I was. This was great to have someone to talk to about cravings, pains, ultrasounds, kicks and maternity clothes woes. Now that the babies are here.... not so great.

Sure, I appreciate that I had friends out on leave the same time I did and that had some of the issues I had. I could talk to one of my friends about reflux, or about colic. But what I was not expecting and have come to loathe is the competition between moms. Whose baby weighs more, is cuter, is smarter, who is standing, crawling, eating solids and so on. I am happy to hear about your child's milestones. I am happy that you are happy. But spare me the smugness and please don't sit there while we hold our children and tell me about yours, "Isn't soandso the cutest baby EVER?!?!". Um, no. I happen to think my child is, thanks.

I also hate that I get cornered and talked to and lectured. Really, I don't need to know that your child's pediatrician said that by 4 months they should be starting solids, my child has no interest and my pediatrician said that's ok. Get off my back. I don't need to know every poopy diaper update, what flavors they are eating now, what size clothes they are in. When I want your opinion on what my child should be doing, I will let you know. It used to be you would go out and get the once over on your purse, your shoes, accessories. Now I get sized up for my diaper bag and what my child is wearing.

Vera Bradley and Carter's summer 2009 collection. Suck it.

Loving my long weekend

2009-09-06T17:31:00.000-07:00

I was released from work 2 hours early on Friday and got the baby early, and we came home to hang out. Yesterday was relaxing and playing, Owen and I went to the store and ran errands. He was an absolute angel and loved being with his mommy. Just hanging out in the Bjorn and fell asleep with his head on my chest. Today we played and napped, did chores and went for a long walk. It was bliss.

We keep talking about the possibility of me staying home, but also me finding a new job. It is hard to decide what to do. The economy sucks right now and I can't see myself being able to find a job in a different industry or doing something new because people want experience. I am scared to be home, though and not bringing in any money or working part time only. It's tough and we are working out the kinks but we know that something needs to change and the sooner the better.

I do know that I am looking forward to one more day home with O.

Spread too thin

2009-09-03T16:57:00.000-07:00

I think saying I am stressed is putting it lightly. I am just absolutely miserable. I HATE my job with a passion, I hate what I do and the industry I am in, I hate getting up and going to work, I hate my hour long commute. I get up and Owen is usually still asleep - he actually sleeps until about 10 minutes before we walk out the door. We drive to daycare and drop him off, I get about 5 minutes in with him there. Then I go to work from about 8 to 5, drive back to daycare to get him by 5:50 and we are home around 6. I then cook dinner while trying to load or unload the dishwasher, do laundry, go through mail, make my lunch for tomorrow and then we sit down and eat. We finish up dinner by 6:45 or 7 depending on what I make and how long I am cooking, and then I have all of about, oh, I don't know, 20 minutes with Owen before bath and bed.

Also, O has been sick and unhappy lately. He is so fussy when we pick him up and in the last 2 weeks I just feel like he doesn't like me. Which I know is crazy and makes no sense, but he doesn't smile at me as much, he never wants to snuggle, he just cries. And fusses. It's so unlike him. Again, I know it's because he is sick and had a fever but it breaks my heart. It's like the few minutes I get with him I can't even appreciate because we are both miserable. R did bedtime tonight, I just needed a break from everything.

I feel guilty about being unhappy. I have a beautiful home, a healthy and amazing son, a great husband, a job in this economy.... but I just want something else. R and I have been talking about pulling Owen out of daycare and me quitting my full time job and just getting something part time for a while. To give me a break and allow me to go to school and to give Owen and I time together. Plus daycare just raised their rates $20 freaking dollars a week. It's just too much right now on top of everything else.

I just can't do it anymore. I can't be gone ALL day and not have time with Owen. Why go to a job I HATE with a passion that basically pays for O to be in daycare? Why miss out on my days with him? And I can't do everything anymore, I can't cook/clean/do laundy/play/bed/bath/bottles and everything else. I go to bed at 9:15 or so to try and get rest and my mind just races of all that still needs to be done, what has to be done tomorrow, what can I put off until the weekend.... I just need a break.

I don't cry often...

2009-08-26T17:48:00.000-07:00

But I did last night. Every night before bed I say my prayers and as usual I say 'please keep us healthy and safe, especially Owen. Please let him continue to grow and thrive, let him be happy and please God, don't let his NF affect him too much. Let him have a loooong, healthy, happy, wonderful life.'

Then I started thinking about what a blessing he is and how amazing he is, he is so smart and had such a little personality. I never think about his NF, you would never know he had anything wrong with him unless you noticed the extra birthmarks and asked. And who knows what could happen in the future, who knows if he will just stay like this and never show any other signs of the disorder. But then I started thinking about what if he does? What if he has tons of tumors, or learning disabilities, or goes blind because of a tumor? Needs lots of surgeries? Doesn't have friends or gets made fun of?

I know that nothing is certain and that even if he didn't have NF he could get made fun of, or go blind, God forbid something should happen to him. It is just scary to think of the future sometimes and what could be. I just want to keep him sheltered, keep him happy and healthy like he is now.

How fun...

2009-08-17T17:07:00.001-07:00

O and I went to a baby shower on Saturday and it was a lot of fun. I got to see Beth Anne glowing and some other girlfriends, get out of the house and enjoy myself. Usually Owen is a laid back, happy baby. Not Saturday, though.... NO, of course not, that was the day he decided not to nap at all and stay up for 7 hours straight. He fussed and whined the entire time, couldn't put him down, and fighting sleep while I held him.

Then I noticed that he didn't smell that great, so I lifted him up to make sure it was him. Oh yes it was, big stain of blow out on him and ME! I somehow managed to finagle his overalls off and lay him on his changing pad. I get out his wipes, clean diaper and change of clothes then remove the dirty diaper. In the 1.3 seconds it takes to grab his clean diaper he pees. All over me, the floor, the only change of clothes, and the clean diaper! So Owen rode out the rest of the shower in just a shirt and diaper.

It was funny, but stressful with him that day. I just wanted to say to the glowing mother to be, this is what you get to look forward to in a few months - dodging the pee, blowouts and fussiness. But it's so worth it because he is amazing. And he was so snuggly yesterday, almost like he knew I needed a little extra love. He just laid his head on my chest and sucked his thumb, his new thing. Which is cute now, but needs to stop before he is 8.